JUNE 2014

Abnormally Funny People Podcast

Episode 1: Our First Ever Show!

Presented by Simon Minty and Steve Best

INTRO

Welcome to the Abnormally Funny People Show, sponsored by Barclays. For further information please visit www.abnormallyfunnypeople.com. We hope you enjoy the show.

[playing music]

BOTH

Hello, welcome to the Abnormally Funny People Show.

SIMON

We said that together because if this first podcast is looked back on in years to come we wanted both of us to be the opening voice. Everyone remembers the first person to say something on a new show or the first line of a great book, the first person that talked on the BBC.

STEVE

Simon Minty, who was the first person to speak on the BBC?

SIMON

I don’t remember.

STEVE

Oh, so I’m going to introduce us. I’m Steve Best and I’m a stand-up comedian and co-founder of Abnormally Funny People.

SIMON

And I am Simon Minty, the other founder of Abnormally Funny People. This podcast is brand new, it’s a monthly review show with a big splash of comedy.

STEVE

Over the coming shows we’ll be looking at a variety of things which have some sort of link to disability. It might be a product or item, technology or an app, maybe a show or a film, anything, you name it.

SIMON

And we’d love you to get involved. If you spot something that might be interesting, useful, or about to happen, let us know. You can send us an email, it’s podcast@abnormallyfunnypeople.com and we’re on Facebook and Twitter and everywhere.

STEVE

Each month we will have a regular spot where we review products which are for everyone but might be particularly useful for differently disabled people. That’s a bit of a tongue twister there isn’t it, Simon Minty?

SIMON

Mm-hmm.

STEVE

Our reviewers will be the marvellous talented comedians from Abnormally Funny People with special guests too.

SIMON

Do you think we should tell them a little bit more about Abnormally Funny People?

STEVE

Yes we should, Simon. I keep saying Simon don’t I, Simon?

SIMON

You do, Steve.

STEVE

So we started out in 2005 and we went to Edinburgh for the festival fringe and performed for a month and were lucky enough to sell out… Well, one of the nights. Wasn’t it? Two?

SIMON

I think a week.

STEVE

A week?

SIMON

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

STEVE

A week and one day. It felt like the first time a group of disabled comedians were all doing their thing.

SIMON

I think that’s slightly misleading, Steve.

STEVE

It wasn’t the first time?

SIMON

No, no, no, it’s that you, well you missed yourself out. We were keen not to be exclusively all disabled people, so we had our token nondisabled comedian, your good self, Mr Best. Well that and we needed a really experienced comic on hand as well.

STEVE

Thank you very much. No I was the token nondisabled one.

SIMON

Very, very good.

STEVE

Thank you very much. Who wrote that?

SIMON

I think we both did.

STEVE

We did didn’t we?

SIMON

Steve is here to be both a very funny man and also because it’s good to get a different perspective. So if you’re listening and you’re not disabled don’t worry, Steve is your man. He’ll be asking the questions that you’re thinking.

STEVE

And if you don’t ask what you’re thinking let me know what you want to know. Does that make sense? I suppose it does. So back to Abnormally Funny People. Since Edinburgh we have grown from an initial six acts to now being around 14 or so comedians. We perform regularly at the Soho Theatre in London and numerous other gigs around the country, and here we are now and here, here we are now, and here Simon we’re doing a podcast.

SIMON

We hope you enjoy it, and as mentioned we’d love to hear from you. We’ll give you the contact details at the end of the podcast and don’t forget to set up an automatic download.

STEVE

And if you do forget you might miss out on discovering a great new product which could be really useful, as well as the chance to win some of the products in a competition.

SIMON

And best of all, the show is completely free.

 

[playing music]

STEVE

Our theme tune is ‘Colour Me Groovy’ by the Rich Morton Sound, a fine comedian, musician and close personal friend.

SIMON

I’m pleased to say we’ve been joined by three of our fabulous guests this week, we have Steve Day…

steve d

Hello!

SIMON

Liam O’Carroll…

liam

Hi!

SIMON

And Liz Carr.

Liz

Whoo!

SIMON

We’re going to introduce them a little bit more formally in a moment.

STEVE

Yes we are, we’re going to introduce them informally, more informally, but Simon, anything interesting happen to you in this past month kind of disability-wise, news?

simon

Oh hello. Yeah, I had two little bits, one I went to, this is a bit serious, I went to a lecture recently by Tom Shakespeare who’s a well-known disability academic.

STEVE D

Wow. Has he written any plays?

SIMON

I think he is related, yes I think he’s related. But the point of it, it was only afterwards, there were a lot of people there and then you look at all Twitter go a little bit busy afterwards and the bit I find really interesting, there are disabled people here, and I just thought this disparity that we have, we’re all under this collective banner but the breadth of disabled people and our different opinions on different things, it just confuses me sometimes, I kind of think…

steve d

Wow. It’s almost like people.

simon

Yeah.

steve d

Wow.

Liz

I hope you tweeted that, Simon.

SIMON

I didn’t, I decided to save it for the podcast.

liz

Disabled people are all different.

SIMON

Thanks for coming everybody. Okay, my other moment of the month, I went to a meal with my, it was my sister’s birthday, my mum and dad went along, a Thai restaurant where they live…

steve d

He aged quite quick didn’t he, I didn’t quite get. He said that ((grunts)) birthday.

SIMON

My sister’s birthday.

steve d

Oh I thought you said it was your 50th, sorry.

SIMON

No, no, no. My sister’s birthday, and we were leaving the restaurant, we had a perfectly lovely meal, and then the, I think she was like the restaurant manager, who was a Thai lady as well, came running out after me and grabbed me…

steve d

Oh.

SIMONMON

…gave me a big hug and then gave me a big kiss which was quite close to my lips but not lips.

steve d

Oh right.

SIMON

And I just kind of went…

steve d

Your chin, u-huh.

SIMON

Yeah. It was more cheek.

steve d

All right then, yeah.

SIMON

And I just kind of, my parents and family didn’t bat an eyelid, you know, but I just kind of thought why is that still going on? I don’t know if it’s something about short people. Oh I should explain, I’m a short person so I’m three foot ten or one metre twenty, whatever that is, and I don’t know, have Thai people got a particular interest? Am I doing the racial stereotype here?

steve d

Does it happen elsewhere?

SIMON

When I was in Thailand it happened a lot. No, people touch me thinking it’s good luck but…

liam

I touch you…

SIMON

Not a kiss, big old… Sorry?

Liz

We all do that before a gig. We always like to rub Simon and just hope.

steve d

If someone did spontaneously kiss you though it would ruin it because you’d think it would be height related. I mean nobody could spontaneously kiss you without going oh, harrumph.

SIMON

If someone came up randomly as you left a restaurant and the restaurant manager came and gave you a big kiss and a hug would you kind of go oh, that’s because I’m stunning or my magnetism, or would you not think that’s a bit peculiar?

steve d

I normally do yeah, normally.

SIMON

Steve Best, do you have a moment of the month?

STEVE

Well kind of. We did, the show, Abnormally Funny People actually did a show in Leicester, the Leicester Comedy Festival. Did you do the Leicester Comedy Festival?

steve d

No, I avoided it. No.

STEVE

Did you? It was good, we did the show and then…

steve d

I got out of it by saying I had a gig elsewhere.

STEVE

Yeah? Because you would have got paid for that, we would have paid you.

steve d

Oh.

STEVE

And Tim, Tim Renkow was on the bill, he’s part of…

SIMON

He’s a comedian.

STEVE

A very funny man and so he asked for a lift home to London so I gave him a lift home, I had to drop him off at Kings Cross, he lives south, that’s fair enough isn’t it?

steve d

No, but if you went on the train you wouldn’t say to the driver right okay, take me to Hammersmith now would you?

STEVE

I would.

steve D

To the train driver.

STEVE

Yeah, I think I would, yeah.

liz

You were very kind.

STEVE

But I dropped him off and I didn’t quite see but it’s double red lines near Kings Cross but then I took Tim out, and helped him out because he uses a walking frame…

steve d

Oh I see, yeah right.

liz

That’s unusual.

STEVE

Yeah, and he’s quite slow getting out which is fine, I took him out, opened the door and then three days later I got the ticket, because I’d been filmed.

liz

Did it take three days because he was so slow at walking? That’s what I was thinking, yes.

STEVE

Now that’s a better story.

liz

Yes, it is.

SIMON

So are you saying because you were dropping a person who’s disabled off you should get exemption from that?

STEVE

Did I say that?

liz

The way you brought it up suggests to me you want us to write a letter to be honest.

STEVE

Could you? Would you do that?

SIMON

So as we mentioned each month we’re going to be joined by the comedians and friends of Abnormally Funny People and to now formally introduce them…

steve d

Are we comedians or friends?

SIMON

You are both comedians and friends.

steve d

Oh right.

Liz

Wow.

SIMON

And it’s a pleasure to introduce you to all our new guests. We’re going to kick off with Liam O’Carroll. Liam is an actor as well as a stand-up comedian and has just become a dad, congratulations.

liam

Oh, thank you very much.

STEVE

What is your moment of the month Mr Liam?

liam

Moment of the month. The thing is this whole thing about moments of the month I mean talking disability-wise yeah?

STEVE

Ideally.

liam

The trouble is you see as soon as you get into what is your disability-wise moment of the month it’s got to be negative hasn’t it?

STEVE

Why?

SIMON

Getting a kiss from a Thai woman can be all right.

liam

That’s true, I hadn’t thought of that. Oh blimey, that’s knackered that then! What I was going to try and explain was, it’s very hard to be positive because positive is boring and cheesy, or irrelevant. Like for example I can’t say oh my disability moment of the month was the fact that when I got on the bus the audio voice announcements were working properly. Now that should be a given shouldn’t it?

STEVE

Yes.

liam

So it’s got to be negative isn’t it if you want an interesting disability-wise moment, which means a moan doesn’t it?

SIMON

I think that… So hang on, your point being normally they don’t work so it was a joy when they did?

liam

That would be of interest but the point is that normally they, well they bloody well should work and generally do, so where’s the news?

liz

I like that, I like that you’re moment of the month is what it normally isn’t, it’s when something works as opposed to normally people are well that was memorable because it all went wrong or whatever, ha, ha, ha, yours is like oh my God, it was memorable because it all went right.

liam

Because it wasn’t crap.

liz

Because it wasn’t rubbish and that’s…

STEVE

You’re allowed that. But if things work right they’re meant to work right, so don’t give credit for things being done right.

SIMON

If I get a disabled parking bay and one of them’s empty and I get it that makes my day.

liz

Oh yeah.

liam

But does it make for an interesting podcast?

SIMON

Probably not, good point, thank you very much. Shall we introduce our next guest? Okay, we’re going to introduce another of our guests, this is Liz Carr, she’s a well-known actor on BBC’s ‘Silent Witness’, she’s a comedian and a leading disability rights campaigner. She was 73rd on the Most Influential Gay Person’s list written by The Independent which was just underneath Alan Carr which was a position neither of them expected.

liz

Ha, ha!

SIMON

Thank you!

liz

I was actually 63rd.

SIMON

Were you?

liz

Yes.

SIMON

So Alan Carr was 64th.

Liz

64th. Anyway.

SIMON

Okay, the joke still works even if it’s inaccurate.

liz

Sorry, that was my Rain Man moment. 63.

SIMON

Liz, do you have a moment of the month?

liz

I have two. Am I allowed two?

SIMON

Go for it.

liz

My first one isn’t to do with me, it was John Cleese. When Monty Python were doing their tour, they’re about to do a tour aren’t they and regroup, he can’t do the Ministry of Funny Walks because he’s got wonky knees.

SIMON

No.

liz

It’s absolutely true.

SIMON

Is this arthritis or something or he just can’t do them?

liz

I don’t know, I think it’s arthritis. It was, oh who’s the other one, the one who does all the travel stuff?

steve d

Gloria Honeyford.

SIMON

Michael Palin.

liz

Michael Palin. Michael Palin was doing something and this is where the interview was taken from, at the National Theatre, and he said there will be certain sketches we won’t do in the live tour and one of them is the Ministry of Funny Walks because Cleese can’t do it anymore. It’s quite energetic, all of that leg kicking and all that, can’t do it anymore. And I don’t know why, it made me giggle and also you think yeah, you know, all these people that do this amazing stuff when they’re younger, age creeps in.

SIMON

And I suppose the walk has to be the walk that we know as from the…

liz

Because he could do a different one couldn’t he?

liam

He could do because it would be still funny but it was a funny walk.

SIMON

I was going to say there’s a little irony because I remember doing a rehearsal for Abnormally Funny People and we discovered that us as disabled people had different walks and do we all do a funny walk just having a disability, but…

steve d

But you know what, we were all people underneath weren’t we?

SIMON

Thank you for that little moment.

steve D

We were just like people when we did that weren’t we? Wasn’t it marvellous?

SIMON

Liz, the second one?

STEVE

Was that number one or number two?

liz

My second one is I was in a restaurant the other night…

SIMON

No.

liz

Just to show that disabled people do go out and eat which is important to clarify. Mine was a curry restaurant, yeah, I’m just going to say that, and we were talking about, there was a group of us, mixed, some were disabled, some weren’t, I know and we were talking about games we used to play as kids, right, and I was saying that when I was growing up I used to play Charlie’s Angels, like my favourite game I remember was Charlie’s Angels, and I always got to play Sabrina Duncan because I had a bob and wore polo necks.

steve

Oh I preferred Sabrina, she was nice.

liz

Yes, but nobody wanted to be her in my school so I always go the role which was great, right. So that was mine. Then this friend of mine called Bird, she went to a Catholic school so she said they used to play the crucifixion all the time, she used to, and I went what do you do? You just stand there like you were crucified, you get two other girls and they’d be beside you and they would just be like that. And they were going round and then there’s other games, there’s tag, there’s all of that, and then a friend of mine goes, wheelchair using friend, she goes we used to play escape and we were all like oh how do you play escape, is that like the crucifixion? She said no, I was at special school, we used to play escape. And then once I got caught she said and they confiscated my electric wheelchair.

liam

I thought you were going to say and then they crucified me.

liz

There you are having… and she was absolutely, you know, she’s also a very funny woman and she was going again it was escape and we think this was this great game and then absolutely because she then talked about it obviously for another eight hours, it was kind of therapy then, but she said that’s what happened, she got punished for trying to escape. It was so horrible, the special school she was at. And one of the punishments was that she had her chair taken away.

SIMON

That’s really kind of shocking isn’t it?

liz

Yeah.

SIMON

How long ago? I hope this is in the past, you just kind of worry don’t you?

liz

They’re in their 40s so…

liam

Right, not that long ago.

liz

I guess they were in school in the ’70s, ’80s, yeah ’80s kind of thing.

SIMON

Thank you, Liz.

STEVE

So our third and final guest is Mr Steve Day. Steve is a comedian, a prolific tweeter, sporadic marathon runner, when I say sporadic I think he runs one mile at a time, is that right Mr Steve?

steve D

Yes, we do one mile at a time during a marathon, you can’t run two miles at once.

STEVE

No. you could do if you had a long stride like the Ministry of Funny Walks. So your moment of the month Mr Steve Day.

steve D

It’s not Stephen Hawking doing an algorithm for who’s going to win the World Cup, Wayne Rooney over pi R squared or something, and thinking what will Stephen Hawking not do for a well-known betting website for money? And also it’s not the other one that I’ve forgotten, which is good, it’s the one, my son plays football and I’ve got three kids who play football and one’s got a trial for Wolves, Wolverhampton Wanderers.

STEVE

Wow.

steve D

But you’re not allowed to thank your parents, you’re not allowed to say anything, you’re not allowed to make a comment.

steve

Not allowed to get excited?

steve d

Not really and I don’t, I took a vow of silence but I muttered to myself under my breath, oh should have passed that, oh God what are you doing, and that, and the coach asked me, he came up, I’d been doing this silently and he came over and said can I stop shouting. I thought I was whispering quietly. And when I think now of all the things I’ve said over the years about my sons, the other kids and especially the managers.

SIMON

Isn’t that meant to be a bit of a problem generally though with sort of over eager parents shouting from the side-lines?

steve d

Yes I hate it, I hate the way that parents get over… and they live their lives vicariously through their kids playing football. And when the coach asked me to quieten it down I’m hoping it was my mistaken identity, but I just feel that I’ve been – come on! – I think I’ve been saying it under my breath. So that’s my moment of the month

SIMON

Thank you, Steve. Okay, well we get to the sort of chunky bit of the show. All three of you were sent an item last week, we didn’t tell you what it was, we didn’t give you any instructions, what we asked them all to do was to just record that first minute or two when they opened the package and how they got on. So let’s have a little listen to Liz when she was opening her parcel.

liz

Okay, so I’m opening my secret package. Well I say I’m opening, thanks Simon, I’m actually not opening. Is this the challenge? Yeah, so okay first hurdle, can’t get it out of the bag. Hold on. Maybe next month send scissors. Right, this is real honest to God cutting. Have you seen me? This isn’t easy for me. Just being able to do this is going to have my benefits taken off, the ability to cut. Okay I’m in. I’m taking out something that’s, oh, it’s quite heavy for my little arms. Oh! It looks like an artificial breast. It’s quite a large one and it’s got ripples on one side, but feel it, it’s very nice actually. Black. It says, well it kind of says what it is so I don’t know whether that’s a giveaway. It’s called a Slouch Mat, it’s black on one side, kind of non-stick on the other. It’s got like beads inside it, it’s like a beanbag. It’s like a beanbag from special school sports, that’s what it’s like. If I massage it it feels rather lovely. It’s quite nice. It looks good against my body although it’s just one very large black breast. There’s nothing wrong with that, and one breast isn’t something to discriminate against, but if I put it over, it’s rather good. When I turn it over so the flat surface is next to me and facing up it’s really stable, so I’m guessing, but this is because of the name and the picture on it, is that it’s a Slouch Mat that you put your mouse on in the position you need it to be on if you’ve got a crippled wrist or something like that. That’s what I’m guessing, however, I’d actually like a bigger one because I can’t often reach tables. So it’s a wonderful thing, I don’t exactly know what it is but I think I’ve got the measure of it. Next time, send some scissors so I can actually get in the packet. Thanks Simon.

SIMON

Well, thank you for that, Liz. Very sorry that the packaging was so difficult to open. You guessed what it is because it’s written on there, now you’ve had a few days with it what are you making of it, this slouch mat?

liz

Well, as I sit here I have my glass of water resting on it because it has raised it up. There was a slight problem with it in a way because it is on the whole I think for people, disabled or not, to put their mouse on it, I’ve got a laptop so I don’t have a separate mouse.

SIMON

Ah.

liz

So it was kind of not that useful, it was only finding other things like putting a cup on it or whatever that it was useful sort of. But I can see, you know, it’s very nice.

SIMON

Don’t you ever connect your, even with the laptop? No.

liz

No.

SIMON

No, I stopped doing that, I used to do that with a...

liz

I think just to keep too many gubbins. Can I pass it to…?

SIMON

Liam’s having a stroke as it were of Liz’s…

liz

Of my large one breast.

SIMON

I mean you did describe it quite well now, is there anything you would add?

liam

I envisioned it as a much bigger thing.

liz

Thank you. But now, put me down and touch that.

liam

It’s ergonomically good.

liz

That’s a good word.

STEVE

Good word, Liam.

liz

Ergonomically…

liam

That is great. If you turn it upside down, if you put it down wrongly it’s fun.

SIMON

It’s more tactile now.

Liam

Yeah!

SIMON

You’re not taking it home for your kid are you, Liam?

liam

Yeah!

steve d

Oh, can I have a go?

SIMON

Did you look it up online or anything, Liz? Did you go that far?

liz

Maybe I did, yes.

steve d

Oh, it’s like bubble wrap. Sorry, oh!

SIMON

So when you looked it up on line what else did you find or did you find any other uses for it?

liz

I think I thought it was more of a specialist piece of equipment and actually we’re not, disabled people aren’t the main market necessarily, it could work for us but it could work for anyone, and one of the pictures had someone, a wheelchair user in the wheelchair and the mouse, the Slouch Mat was on the arm of the chair.

SIMON

I saw that picture.

liz

And they could then use the mouse on top of the Slouch Mat. And I thought oh well that’s quite clever so maybe you could, it’s like a little cocktail table on your chair. In fact, pass it over, I haven’t tried this…

SIMON

Okay, so we’re just putting it on the arm of Liz’s wheelchair.

liz

This could get messy.

SIMON

Balancing the glass of water. Oh my life, it's working, it’s working.

liz

See, I mean I wouldn’t want to move but it’s quite cool in that sense.

SIMON

I think the fixation with the mouse, the computer mouse, I think that’s misleading, I think it’s like a little portable tray you could put on any surface, whatever level it is and it should self-level, that’s how I kind of…

steve d

I’ve got a square one.

SIMON

Have you?

steve d

Well a rectangular one. It’s to sit on your lap, to have your dinner on your lap.

liz

Yes.

steve d

And it’s got a sort of beanbag effect.

STEVE

I’ve seen those, yes they’re out there aren’t they?

liam

It’s a good job I wasn’t sent that, I’d be trying to sleep on it, if it’s a Slouch Mat I’d be, oh it’s not that comfy.

STEVE

It could double up as a travel pillow.

SIMON

Okay, if you were to suggest any improvements, Liz, what would you change?

liz

The colour.

SIMON

Oh, you wouldn’t have black?

liz

Probably, if I’m ever invited back on the show…

SIMON

Flesh colour?

liz

That would probably be my main comment on anything, it’s like the colour, it just comes in black and I…

STEVE

Does it only come in black?

liz

I don’t think there’s a choice, I didn’t look massively so I might be wrong, but it’s…

steve d

Well what colour do you want your Slouch Mat to be?

liz

Have you seen how I’m dressed today?

steve d

Camouflage.

liz

There’s a lot of turquoise, a lot of pink, I just want a variety of colours.

steve d

What if they had interchangeable covers?

liz

That would be quite nice. I think a variety of colours would be very… yeah, excellent. And possibly a selection of different sizes I would say.

SIMON

That’s the point isn’t it, it’s a bit like Liam’s big tray one.

steve d

Yeah, but as they sent you one they can’t really send you a… you don’t know, they might have a selection of sizes.

liz

But they don’t, I don’t think, I don’t know, but I don’t think they do different colours and I don’t think they do different sizes, because I did look at that because yes if, because of how my arms work, often if I go out to a restaurant or whatever the table’s a bit too low, so I want something. I’ve had phonebooks, I’ve had shoeboxes, just anything. I’ve had extra plates, like eight extra plates and then you put my plate on top.

SIMON

Is that the Greek restaurant you went to?

steve d

Did they come out and kiss you afterwards?

liz

No, but they rubbed my head for luck which was nice.

steve d

That’s a Greek thing.

liam

I feel that the tray surface should be a different colour from the beanbag bit.

liz

I love that that comes from the blind man in the room as well.

SIMON

Yes that’s interesting, is that just a design feature you’d like, Liam?

liam

The tactility leads one’s mind to visualise or assume a colour.

STEVE

Could you put a price to it?

SIMON

How much do you think it’s worth?

STEVE

Liz, did you find out?

liz

No, I didn’t look at the price.

STEVE

So guessing the price guys?

liz

I would say London price is £15 I would say.

STEVE

Liam?

SIMON

But if they bought it in Yorkshire you think £10?

Liz

Yes, it would probably be a fiver in Yorkshire.

STEVE

And you’d get a pudding with it as well.

SIMON

Okay. Liam?

liz

£15 in London, £5 up north.

steve d

Is that including delivery?

liz

No.

SIMON

No, just the price. Liam?

liam

I would say £29.95 exclusive of VAT.

STEVE

Oh, goodness me! So it’s 20% on top of that.

steve d

I thought about £10.99 plus medical bills trying to open the package. This is like ‘The Price is Right’ isn’t it? Come on down!

SIMON

It’s sort of ‘Antiques Roadshow’ light.

steve d

Oh sorry, you want to make it a bit classy do you?

SIMON

No, disabled antiques.

steve d

Well for the purposes of insurance, £10.99.

liz

But we can see what I get for it on eBay. Are we allowed to keep them?

SIMON

Oh they’re going to be competition prizes, I’m really sorry.

steve

We’ve spilt coffee on them. And the real price, Simon?

SIMON

The actual price everybody, £12.99. Steve Day is the closest.

steve d

Yes! Come on down. Am I through to the next round?

STEVE

So we’re on to Liam now.

liam

Hi.

STEVE

So Liam recorded his initial reaction when opening the parcel so could we take a listen of that one?

liam

At first impressions it reminds me of a very fat Frisbee, one that would never really be used in the real world, but it’s clearly not a Frisbee, it’s… Ah, it could be some kind of lampshade and it’s got, it’s full, you wouldn’t be able to get a lamp in it because there’s no sort of aperture for it. I like the wavy outer lining, it’s like a hat, it’s shaped like a hat, it’s round for a start and there’s like an outer rim which has a nice wavy effect, a bit like a catwalk that goes up and down and there’s little gaps between the rim and the inner pie, which if you were walking along this catwalk, imagine you were small enough, you would fall through the gap and depending on how high it was you could die. The rounded pie of the hat has three dimples on it, three bumps which… Yes, no apparent… They could be lights I suppose, they could be lights. So totally wasted on me I would say, lights but okay what else have we got? I’ll turn it upside down. Ah, maybe those three bumps are actually bits that rests of them. Yeah I think they’re the feet, effectively the feet.

STEVE

So Mr Liam O’Carroll, what you’ve actually got there, do you know what it is, what it was?

liam

Well, I found out at a later date, thanks to some sighted assistance, that it’s something known as a Giddy Bowl.

STEVE

Yes it is.

liam

A Giddy Bowl.

STEVE

It’s a Giddy Bowl. And you know now what it does?

liam

Not fully, it’s certainly a vessel. I believe it’s something to eat out of when you’re on planes.

STEVE

Why are we talking non English? It is, it is yes. And anything else?

liam

Yes for use on vehicles that might lurch, like boats, planes, tube trains etc.

SIMON

You mentioned, this is the bowl in the middle, so explain the principle a little bit more, I’m not…

liam

Yeah. So there’s a bowl within a bowl and the inner bowl tilts on an axis, in fact it can completely swivel round totally for 365 degrees.

SIMON

However.

liam

However, yeah?

SIMON

I think it’s the other way because if you’ve got something in it then you tip it 365 degrees it all falls out doesn’t it?

liam

It would do, and some, and some, because underneath there are slats so if you wanted, it’s quite handy, if you decided you didn’t like the soup in it you could just get rid of it by flipping the inner bowl right upside down to get rid of it. But that would only be for people who like soiling their trousers.

SIMON

But I think we’ve got the principle the wrong way round in the sense of the point being you’re holding it now and whichever way you hold that that bowl will stay level.

liam

It will, but with limitations. For example I tried it, I tried doing that by completely turning it upside down and it… still stays level. Well that didn’t happen earlier because I actually wet myself earlier.

steve d

Yeah, if you’d got something in it that wouldn’t be good would it?

steve

No, that’s the whole point, if you have something in it you should be able to turn it around.

steve D

What 360 degrees?

STEVE

I think so. You look at it now.

liz

Shall we try with my water?

liam

We could try that with water.

STEVE

No, don’t! If you do it slowly.

liam

If you do it slowly, yeah, but sometimes in life things don’t happen slowly.

steve d

So if the tube train goes upside down or you’re in a roller-coaster your soup’s all right, you know. Everybody else is dead but your soup…

SIMON

Do you remember that clip of, oh we can’t say ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ anymore, forget that.

liam

Oh you just said it and it’s part of our shared history, come on.

SIMON

Okay, do you remember that episode of ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ where the boy scouts were in the rollercoaster trying to eat food and it was spilling all over the place? I’m wondering whether the Giddy Bowl would be the solution for that moment.

steve d

Yes.

SIMON

Because if you move around a lot that’s the purpose of it. Did you actually try eating anything out of it?

liam

Well no, I put some water in it. I didn’t try eating out of it because it’s very small, I think it’s for children.

SIMON

Okay.

liam

I have a larger appetite.

STEVE

But that’s true, it is quite small isn’t it? Maybe it’s for hors d’oeuvres.

liam

Or very stingy portions.

SIMON

Well just because this is not visual, so how big? The size of a football ((?)), a bit bigger?

liam

So the whole outer rim is like side plate size, the inner bowl yes, it’s like a really small tiny stingy restaurant ice cream bowl.

SIMON

So besides potpourri or something putting it what else would you use it for?

steve D

Potpourri that you didn’t want to spill and you took it on the tube, some potpourri. You could just waft it around.

liz

This time of year it can get a bit stinky.

steve d

I can’t remember a time I went on the tube without a bit of potpourri.

liz

And now you’ve got the perfect vessel.

liam

If you were on a boat of a plane what would you be pouring into it? I mean do you bring the stuff actually in it from home with the lid on? Because I don’t know how airtight it is but what if the stuff trickled?

steve

It looks airtight-ish to me doesn’t it, the, what are they called?

steve d

It’s like a gyroscope bowl that you might teach kids about the universe using it and the rotation of the sun.

Steve

That’s precisely what it’s for Steve, well done.

steve d

It reminded me a little bit of another use.

SIMON

Hang on okay, so if you throw in an element of disability somewhere along the line who would this potentially be useful for or is it useful for someone with a particular impairment?

liam

I’m just trying to think, someone who had difficulty with their balance maybe.

SIMON

Hence giddy.

steve d

I know the answer to this.

SIMON

Go on.

steve D

If you’re at a restaurant and you know you’ve got a bit left over and you want to take it home?

SIMON

Yeah.

steve d

You put it in there and as you’re leaving if the proprietor comes out, gives you a big hug and a kiss, you don’t spill your take home.

liz

Knocking you off balance. It’s okay.

steve d

But that only works if they’re not doing it because of size, they’re just giving you a kiss anyway.

SIMON

Liz, what do you think of the Giddy Bowl? You’ve seen it for the first time.

liz

I mean I’m not exactly sure what, I’m guessing it’s something that you eat out of, but it’s okay if you move while you’re eating so that might be because of your particular impairment, I don’t know, you’re holding on to it and you can eat independently maybe.

steve d

This screams special needs though doesn’t it?

liz

But the problem is the colour, weirdly because we’ve had the Slouch Mat and I said it should be available in more colours, what I don’t like about the Giddy Bowl is the colours, that certainly would not be for an adult because it’s primary colours.

SIMON

If you’re a serious exec and you’ve got cerebral palsy you’re not going to be taking that into the boardroom.

liz

You’re not taking your lunch in that.

steve d

In your Little Tykes bowl, that’s what it looks like.

liam

You’d want it in metal or silver.

liz

Yes you would.

steve d

You know the Little Tykes toys, they’ve got the little car and this is what this looks like.

liz

There’s something about the plastic and the colours and I think the styling, it looks more like something from the Early Learning Centre.

steve d

Yeah.

SIMON

So just summarising, this is like something that’s designed for children to help them eat, but it may be all right for someone with a disability so long as they don’t mind using kid’s things.

liz

I guess as long as they’ve got no pride then it would be fine.

SIMON

Fine, get rid of disability pride, is that what we’re saying?

liz

Yes, our dignity and then no problem, it would be okay.

SIMON

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

liam

But it’s nicely made, it all connects in and the perpetual horizontality feature is very neat isn’t it?

liz

And you’ll always know where Jupiter is.

SIMON

What would you pay for this, Liam? So let’s have a little guess, what would be your idea of cost?

liam

I imagine it will be overpriced so I’d say it would be £8.99.

SIMON

Okay, Steve. Price?

steve d

I’m saying £5.00.

SIMON

That’s Steve Day, £5.00. Liz?

liz

£10.00.

STEVE

Liz Carr. One penny short at £9.99.

liz

Is it £9.99 from JML?

liam

God!

SIMON

Thank you Liam. Steve Day recorded his initial reaction when he opened his parcel, let’s have a little listen.

steve d

Right, well this is Steve Day opening my, well not yet opening, about to open my mystery package that’s just arrived via Royal Mail in a posh looking envelope. And right okay, I’m going to just open the package now. Right well first of all the package has proved too strong for my puny strength. I’m going to try and open the package now. And I’ve just got the thing out and obviously the first thing I thought, the package arriving here was a sex toy, it’s like a, well I don’t know, a pen shaped thing with a clip on it. And I’ve got no idea, it could be kind of like lip balm or something, I don’t know, I’m going to try and open it. It’s a white cylindrical thing about four inches long. Right. Oh I’ve opened it and something’s fallen off, a bit has fallen on the floor and it’s vibrating and to be honest I’m a bit worried. It’s got a bright light and you might hear that, a vibrating thing so the sex toy, I haven’t ruled it out completely. Why would you need a light? Oh that may be for illumination obviously. I have no idea what this is, probably something to do with cleaning. I don’t know. I have no idea apart from A, illuminated sex toy of B, cleaning thing or something.

SIMON

Well thank you, Steve. There seemed to be some added sound effects like snoring.

steve d

Sorry, I had a dog, I’ve got two Labradors. I don’t know, I can’t hear them, I didn’t know they made noises, but that’s what the thing was.

SIMON

And again like Liz, the biggest issue was opening the package in the first place.

steve d

I mean I’m a 17 stone man and I couldn’t open the blinking thing.

SIMON

Thank you for the description, so this is this white sort of stick thing, a vibrator.

steve d

It’s like a pen, more like a pen.

STEVE

Yes it is.

steve d

But I did find out what it was.

STEVE

Ah, you found out what it is as in playing with it or you looked it up?

steve d

There was a label on it which I read and it told you what it was.

STEVE

And seriously you couldn’t tell what it was really?

steve d

No, until I read the label and it said exactly what it was.

STEVE

And what is it?

SIMON

But just before, did you use it for some of the other suggestions before?

steve d

Yes I had a go.

SIMON

Okay, brilliant.

STEVE

That would be quite painful though wouldn’t it?

steve d

It was an illuminating nail file.

liam

Oh hello.

steve d

So that’s what it was, so it lights up your nails, look, and the battery’s not working anymore. I’ve used it quite a lot.

SIMON

Your nails look lovely by the way.

STEVE

And your dogs do as well.

steve d

It’s a nail file that you don’t have to shove up and down.

SIMON

And the torch bit, is that useful? I mean I don’t know how often you…

steve d

It could be, and you can see your fingers. I mean if you wanted to file your nails in the dark and who doesn’t then it would be…

STEVE

It’s a winner.

steve d

But a bit fell off as well, it’s a bit plastic-y, a bit fell off. Not a bit of the works.

SIMON

Now you see I feel a bit guilty because when I was packing it a bit fell off before I packed it and I didn’t quite know what to do so I just put it sort of around it and hoped as well, so yeah that might have been…

steve d

Had you used it?

SIMON

As a nail file, no.

liz

Is that why the battery’s run out?

SIMON

I didn’t use it as a nail file. Liam, you sound like you want to say something?

liam

Just in a nutshell it’s an electric toothbrush but for filing nails.

steve d

Yeah. And my wife didn’t get it, she thought it was a sort of exfoliating thing and my son, my 14 year old son said nail file and he hadn’t read the label because I took it off before I showed it to them.

STEVE

But surely it feels like a nail file?

steve d

Well it’s sort of rough, yeah but I don’t file my nails so…

liam

It’s a lolly pop stick.

SIMON

And also it’s metal and anyone I know who does file their nails you don’t use a metal one, you use an emery board.

STEVE

You should do and I play the guitar and I would…

steve d

Oh you are awful.

STEVE

I file my nails under the letter M. That was a joke that was, Steve.

steve d

It’s a little bit plastic-y. But if the future of nail files is a Dick Emery board then.

SIMON

Liz, you’re being very quiet, what do you think? It’s actually called the Lighted Nail Care Wand. So what do you think?

liam

It’s care wand.

STEVE

It’s interesting isn’t it, the word wand? Isn’t it?

liam

Harry Potter.

STEVE

Why would you call it that? But go on, sorry Liz.

liz

It just sounded like a mini sander, in that essentially that’s what it is, you’re sort of sanding isn’t it, so you could use it for woodwork or crafting. I’m thinking you could use it for making craft things.

STEVE

If you’re making a model.

liz

If you’re making a galleon out of matchsticks.

steve d

Yeah, I was going to say galleon out of matchsticks.

liz

Really? Well it’s always a galleon, that’s right.

steve d

You could ((0:39:34?)) and use it to make a chicken out of matchsticks.

Liam

Because I’m in the world of sound of course, it sounds like my Remington nose hair trimmer.

SIMON

You’re also in the middle ages as well, so you have a nose hair trimmer, that’s quite impressive.

liam

Yes I do, yeah.

liz

Does that have a light on it as well?

liam

I hope not because that would have added to the cost and that would have been a waste of money wouldn’t it?

liz

That’s true, but I wonder if that is a sales thing.

steve d

Do you find your nose trimmer…?

STEVE

I’m surprised that they put a light on it because I don’t quite see the point. Am I missing something?

liz

You might want to do it in the privacy of a darkened room.

STEVE

But you file your nails, or I would, to see, you look at them don’t you?

SIMON

If you had poor sight, is that a help?

steve d

Maybe.

STEVE

But do you tend to feel your nails?

liz

You wonder how we’ve done without this object don’t you? When you think without a lit up nail file, you know.

STEVE

We’ve all reached a certain age and realised this is the missing piece.

liz

My life’s empty now.

SIMON

You mentioned other uses like making models, I’m thinking could you use it for your feet if you’ve got bunions and verrucas?

steve d

Well that’s what I said, to exfoliate.

SIMON

Oh that’s a much better phrase, yeah.

steve d

Well that’s what I thought it meant, now sawing your bunions off but general skin sawing, exfoliating or whatever.

SIMON

If you were to improve it?

steve d

Not have it fall to bits and don’t make it look so much like a pen because it’s confusing.

SIMON

And this is just why, I don’t know if they’ve got other colours, but Liz, different colours?

liz

I’m obsessed with the colours, I think you can afford to have good colours on a vibrating nail file, I think it’s essential otherwise it looks a bit clinical.

steve d

But say you were stranded at sea it would make a good beacon to call shipping. I’m just trying to think of another use for it but it’s a bit of a nail biter. You can have that for nothing. Sorry, we’re not allowed to do jokes are we?

liz

If you were stranded at sea in your matchstick galleon you could use it. It all comes around.

steve d

Oh yes it could be, it could be a lighthouse that goes with the matchstick galleon.

STEVE

Okay guys, so what would you pay for it? Steve Day first.

steve D

Oh, £2.50.

STEVE

£2.50?

steve d

Yes.

STEVE

£2.50? Did you say £2.50?

steve d

Yeah.

STEVE

That’s quite a low price isn’t it? It’s got batteries in there as well, the batteries would cost you £2.50.

steve d

Are batteries included?

STEVE

I don’t know. Liam?

liam

Again, as we live in a world in which everything’s overpriced I would say £7.95.

STEVE

£7.95 from Liam. And Liz Carr?

liz

I think everything’s all going to be around the same price so I’m going to say a tenner.

STEVE

I’m going to surprise you now, we’re going to surprise you, that price was £18.

liam

No!

steve d

What, not £17.99?

liz

For that pen of a vibrating light torch? Wow.

STEVE

Well that was a hit wasn’t it?

SIMON

We were shocked, I think everyone’s shocked in the studio.

steve d

I’ve got no use for it, I don’t file my nails, I don’t value nail filing as… maybe it’s for theatre critics, the light on the pen.

SIMON

We should explain to people listening, the items that we get sent we don’t know what they are and then we pass them out so there is an element of we are not aiming these products at particular groups or individuals.

steve d

But do they make the ideal Christmas gift?

SIMON

They could do, perhaps.

liam

Well I thought you were sending the child’s bowl to me because I’ve just become a dad and you wanted me to try it out on my new born son.

steve d

Can I just say, the Slouch Mat, I’ve been using it as a lumbar pad and it’s really good. It’s like a vibrating lumbar pad as well.

SIMON

You’re kind of leading us into where we’re going to go which is we want to have a vote and see which you think is…

steve d

Oh sorry, have I jumped the gun?

SIMON

No, it’s perfect, it was the perfect segue, I was so thrilled you did it.

liz

But it’s not now because ((0:43:38?)) It’s the first one.

steve D

Typical that ((0:43:44?)) thing isn’t it?

STEVE

So to rate them. Out of ten, the Slouch Mat, Liz?

Liz

Seven.

STEVE

Seven. Liam?

liam

I’d give it a very encouraging seven.

STEVE

An encouraging seven.

liam

I’d give that eight, I like that.

STEVE

So seven, seven, eight. Then we’ve got the Giddy Bowl. Liz?

liz

Oh, I mean, one.

STEVE

Oh!

SIMON

Oh that’s harsh.

liam

I know what you mean, it’s kind of sort of humiliating isn’t it?

liz

Yeah, it’s plastic humiliation.

STEVE

And Liam, you had the Giddy Bowl?

liam

Yes, and I’m going to give it ten.

STEVE

You can’t do that.

SIMON

You didn’t really rate it that well when you spoke on it though, that’s the problem

liam

Ah, but it grew on me.

liz

Is it because it’s yours and you want to win?

SIMON

It’s not a reflection of the individual who was using it, it’s of the item.

liam

Oh, I wanted to win this.

SIMON

Oh no, there’s no prize.

liam

Oh sorry, okay, I just thought one was a little bit unrealistically cruel. I would say five.

SIMON

Five. Steve?

steve D

Well in reappraisal it reminds me of, in the Woody Allen film, ‘Sleeper’, they have this thing called the orgasmatron.

STEVE

Yes they did.

steve d

It’s like that so I’m going to give it six because it’s like the orgasmatron from Woody Allen.

STEVE

That’s very funny.

SIMON

That could go well with the electric lighted wand you had. We’ve gone really base. Okay, let’s have a little look for the Lighted Nail Care Wand. We’ll got for a score, Steve?

steve D

I’ll give it two.

SIMON

Two. Liam?

liam

Zero.

SIMON

Zero. And you said one was harsh for the Giddy Bowl. Okay, Liz?

liz

I’m going to give it three because I’m a woman.

SIMON

Three okay, so if we look at reverse order of the winner well the Lighted Care Nail Wand sadly came in with five points out of 30. The Giddy Bowl, second place with 12 points but our winner was the Slouch Pad that got 22 points.

liam

Whoo!

liz

Team Carr.

 

[playing music]

STEVE

Thank you again to our guests, Steve Day, Liam O’Carroll and Liz Carr. So before you guys go what are you up to right now and how might we see you in the near distant future? So Steve Day?

steve D

Near distant future, so I’m at the Edinburgh Festival in the first week of August at Maggie’s Bar, The Three Sisters, so it’s free. It’s free, come along and see me.

STEVE

Just the first week, not the whole…?

steve d

Just the first week, July 31st to August 7th.

STEVE

Okay that’s lovely. Lovely, lovely. Liam O’Carroll?

liam

You’ll next see me on Channel Four in an episode of the new series of ‘Friday Night Dinner’ sometimes during the World Cup.

STEVE

Fantastic.

liz

Are you playing a blind man?

steve D

I won’t be seeing you.

liam

Possibly. I’m not allowed to divulge.

steve d

I won’t be seeing you because I’ll be watching the World Cup. I’ll tape it.

SIMON

And Liz, where might we be seeing you next?

steve D

Everywhere.

liz

Probably in the garden to be honest.

steve D

She’s everywhere, she’s on everything.

liz

I’m not planning on doing anything but apparently I’m on a trailer for CBBEs that I haven’t yet seen.

steve D

It’s on all the time, it’s on all the time.

liz

I haven’t seen it, I haven’t seen it.

SIMON

You know what, that should have been the moment of the month, I think you’ve made it. You know when they do those little idents of all their best presenters or TV stars and there was one…

steve d

I nearly fell of my chair.

SIMON

Yeah I saw it and Liz is in there.

steve d

It was brilliant, you look so good, you look like you knew what you were doing.

SIMON

It was amazing.

liz

Yeah, but they’ve got to have the diversity thing. I was guaranteed to be in there wasn’t it in a way?

steve D

You were spazzing it up but I think it’s good.

liz

True. Was I using my chair?

steve d

I think it’s brilliant.

SIMON

So besides the BBC ident we might not see you…

liz

That’s pretty much it really and I mean I’m doing things.

SIMON

Bits and bobs, you’re busy.

liz

Oh you know, obviously I like to keep busy, a bit of needlepoint, a bit of gardening.

steve D

She’s on everything, the big luvvie.

liz

But yeah, I haven’t really, nothing too major at the moment.

SIMON

Okay.

STEVE

Well thank you everyone for coming.

liam

It was a pleasure.

steve d

Yes it was.

liz

Thank you very much. Part of the first one.

 

[playing music]

STEVE

As we mentioned at the top of the show we are running a completion this month to win the featured items. We have the Giddy Bowl and Lighted Nail Care Wand and Slouch Mat all as prizes.

SIMON

We’re going to offer each as its own prize so to win you need to contact us with your answer to the following sentence. I want the Giddy Bowl because.

STEVE

What if they want the Slouch Mat?

SIMON

Yeah, but then it’s I want the Slouch Mat because.

STEVE

Oh I see, I got you. And then the Lighted Nail Care Wand?

SIMON

You’ve got it.

STEVE

Because.

SIMON

Yup, I think they’ve got the idea. So here’s the different ways you can contact us. The email address, podcast@abnormallyfunnypeople.com. Our Twitter name is a little bit fiddly, it’s @abnormfunnypeop. There’s a limitation on characters, so that’s @abnormfunnypeop. You can leave us a voicemail or even send us a text. We’ve got a telephone number, 07756 190561. I’ll do that a little bit slower. 07756 190561. If you didn’t get all that down press pause and listen again, we’re not live. Or you can just go to our website, abnormallyfunnypeople.com and all the contact information will be there.

STEVE

Try and make your answer funny, that would be fun for us because then we could find it funny, well you don’t have to be but it would be good. So we’ll pick a winner for each item and get hold of you to find out where to send it. Unfortunately at this point we can only send items to people in the UK, so if you’re listening overseas, sorry about that. The closing date for this month’s completion is Sunday 20th July.

SIMON

Well that’s it for our first show, thank you very much for listening, do tell other people about us and we hope you’re going to join us next month when we’re going to have some new products to check out and new guests to give us their wisdom and their review.

STEVE

Drop us a line with your thoughts and comments, maybe some ideas, what you would like us to review next time. We can’t promise to reply to you all but appreciate you getting in contact. Again the email, mailto:podcast@abnormallyfunnypeople.com, the website, abnormallyfunnypeople.com for all the social media links, the telephone number etc.

SIMON

A really big thank you to Really Useful Stuff, these are the people who supplied all of the items. You can check out what they do via their website which is reallyusefulstuff.co.

STEVE

Dot co.

SIMON

That’s it, just dot co.

STEVE

Love it.

SIMON

So you don’t miss a show do subscribe, we’re on iTunes, you can stream via Audioboo if you prefer and a final big thank you to our producers, Leanne and Anne.

STEVE

So that’s it, we’re done, is that it?

SIMON

Pretty much, although we now have that dilemma, whose voice is going to be the last one that people hear on this first ever podcast?

STEVE

You know what, Simon, it really doesn’t bother me, I’m cool with that.

SIMON

Okay, that’s kind of cool, I like that. It’s very humble, I like that. Do you want to say goodbye then, Steve?

STEVE

Sure. Goodbye everybody, see you next time.

SIMON

And it’s goodbye from me, the last voice on this first ever podcast. Thank you for joining us, till next time.

STEVE

Steve Best says bye!

 

[playing music]

 

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