Transcript of #5

 

Abnormally Funny People Show 

Transcript of #5

Presented by Simon Minty and Steve Best

 

 

intro

Welcome to the Abnormally Funny People Show, sponsored by Barclays. For further information please visit abnormallyfunnypeople.com. We hope you enjoy the show.

[playing music]

simon

Hello, welcome to the Abnormally Funny People podcast. I am Simon Minty.

steve

Hello, and I’m Steve Best. How are you, Mr Minty, today?

simon

I’m very well. Yourself?

steve

Yes, not so bad.

simon

I need to tell you, I got two emails after the last show.

steve

That’s great.

simon

I was talking about getting a bike, a tricycle which I’d been trying out and it was a bit difficult and it wasn’t quite working but I’ve an old friend who said him and his brother had made their own bike and they’d love to help me make one.

steve

What, a kind of Blue Peter moment?

simon

I think it would be sort of a bit more sturdy.

steve

Nice.

simon

But there was also this other thing called Jyrobikes, spelt with a J, and this is a battery powered rechargeable motor driven invention and it’s got a front wheel essentially that works like a gyroscope and self-stabilises the bike. So I could get a two wheeler bike and this front wheel does all the balancing for me.

steve

That’s amazing. So just on the one wheel?

simon

Yes, you can either buy the wheel on its own or you can buy the whole bike with it already incorporated.

steve

And what about unicycles? So you could learn how to ride a unicycle without any problems? Is that the one?

simon

Maybe, although I’ve kind of jumped from a tricycle and I’ve skipped a two wheeler and I’m now on a unicycle. I think I’m going to stick with a two wheeler at the moment.

steve

That’s good. I like the idea, so you can actually fix the wheel onto any bike?

simon

Yes.

steve

That’s very good.

simon

It’s amazing. Let’s get on with the show. By the way if you want to contact us go to our website, abnormallyfunnypeople.com and there’s all the different methods that you can get hold of us.

steve

You can subscribe and listen to the podcast there and there’s also a transcription of the show on the website.

simon

So the guests on this week’s show, Steve?

steve

Yes, our guests are both performers, both involved in comedy.

simon

Both disabled?

steve

That’s the idea. There’s Tanyalee, a stand-up originally from Canada, now a US citizen and part of our original Edinburgh show in 2005. And she is I would say the busiest international comedian we know, she’s always working isn’t she?

simon

Constantly.

steve

Absolutely. And Juliette Burton who is a newcomer to Abnormally Funny People and cutting a swathe with her shows.

simon

I’ve seen those, we’ll talk about those in a bit. And they’re going to speak to us next.

 

[playing music]

simon

Welcome to our guests on this month’s Abnormally Funny People Show. First up is Juliette Burton. Juliette’s an award winning actress, writer, performer and presenter and an ex BBC broadcast journalist. She’s had several shows in Edinburgh and beyond with a focus on body image and her mental health. Welcome, Juliette.

JULIEtte

Hello. How are you doing?

simon

Very well.

steve

You only just got here as well, you had a bit of a problem getting here?

JULIEtte

Yes I did, I came all the way down from Edinburgh today…

steve

That’s a long way.

JULIEtte

To London to see you guys, just because I love you so much.

steve

That’s nice.

JULIEtte

Yeah.

steve

And, we have Tanyalee Davis.

TanYaLEE

Yeah!

steve

Tanyalee is a three foot… I was going to say six foot three, but it’s three foot six inch stand-up comedian who headlines at comedy clubs and comedy festivals throughout North America, the UK and the world. That’s a big place, that. She’s had a solo show for six months in Vegas, Tanyalee is the Ferrari of comedy, low to the ground and kind of racy. That’s on your website, Tanyalee, but did you write that bit?

TANYAlee

He’s stealing stuff. A friend wrote it for me.

steve

Yeah?

TANYALee

Mm-mm.

steve

Very good. Welcome.

TANYAlee

Hey, thanks.

steve

So we’re going to kick off with the Moment of the Month. So Tanyalee, your moment of the month.

TANYALEE

Well, my moment of the month, I have many but this one’s been stuck in my head for the last little bit. I went to a party recently with some friends, I was in North Carolina where my boyfriend lives and my friends were having a birthday party and they had reserved the outdoor patio and I went with my friend Vicky and as we were walking in there were some people leaving, two biker type dudes with their biker bitch I guess is what you would call them, and as I was walking forward I was looking to where I would sit in the logistics because we were the first ones there. I was just standing there and this woman goes, “Are you okay?” and I went, “Yeah, does it look like I’m having a problem?” And she went, “No, but you’re so cute!” And I was like oh. Yeah, anyway. I just kind of put my hand up and walked off. And then she said, “But, but, but…”

simon

I get a bit of this. Was it cute because you’re very beautiful or was it cute because you’re cute and cuddly and like a teddy bear?

TANYALEE

I don’t know, just the way she did it was like, “Oh, you’re so cute!” and I just went bleurgh!

steve

But you get that a bit though do you? Do you get it at other times or was that..?

TANYAlee

Well no, it’s been happening a lot lately, it must be my new hair.

steve

You’ve got something in your hair at the moment haven’t you, flowers.

TANYALEE

Well yes, it’s the leaves blowing.

steve

You came by train as well didn’t you, yeah.

JULIETTE

It’s called fashion.

steve

Yeah. I know nothing about that.

JULIETTE

But I am adorable, I mean let’s be honest here, I am pretty damn cute, but I mean when people come up and go, “Oh you’re so cute!” Puppies are cute.

steve

But that actually reminds us of a story in the paper, did you read that, a story in the paper this month that a guy, a small person with his fiancée who’s average height in a restaurant for a romantic meal and this was very true, it was in all the papers and people were talking about it, and he was handed a children’s colouring book and crayons by the waitress.

JULIETTE

Oh no!

steve

It’s true, it’s true. But he actually was very cool about it wasn’t he?

simon

Yeah. I kind of had some admiration, I don’t know how you would react to this, Tanyalee, but part of you wants to throw the crayons and the colouring book back at them but then the other side you just wants to laugh it off because it was a genuine mistake I presume. I mean years ago I remember crossing the road, the Holloway Road in London and I had long hair then, I was a student, and I was waiting to cross and then I felt this arm go round me and a sort of elderly gentleman say, “It’s all right sweetheart, I’ll help you across the road.”

JULIEtte

Ah!

simon

And I turned round and looked at him with my beard and my furious face and he went, “Oh! I am so sorry,” but how do you react when…?

steve

Well he could still want to help you across the street even when…

simon

Oh we did, we held hands and it was lovely. Thank you, Tanyalee, we will come back to you I’m sure in a moment. Oh, did you have another one or was that just the one?

TANYALEE

I can’t remember. No, I don’t know, I’m brain dead.

simon

Well thanks for coming, Tanyalee, we’re really grateful. Juliette, your moment of the month.

JULIETTE

Okay. I’ve had probably the weirdest month, like the busiest month of my life and certainly with my career and I was going to say that I went on ITV’s ‘This Morning’ which was interesting. It was good, it was really, really, really good and it was wonderful but it kick-started this week of madness that actually led to me meeting your mate, James Partridge.

simon

Yes, lovely James.

JULIETTE

Who was not the only person I met at this amazing body confidence award, and you said in my lovely introduction, thank you for that, that I do shows that kind of have touched upon my mental health problems, and in my recent show I changed my look using lots of prosthetic makeup to change the way I look in lots of dramatic ways. And Simon was interviewed for the show. Anyway, this show called ‘Look at Me’, it’s now led to this campaign called Be Real Campaign come and approach me and say we want you to be an ambassador, a spokesperson for the campaign. And at the time I was like okay, so there’s no money but that’s fine, that’s good, money’s not the most important thing, it sounds like a really awesome campaign, Dove are involved, Twitter are involved, loads of different places, the people, wonderful, wonderful organisations. I had no idea it was going to mean that I got to go to the House of Commons to wear a sparkly dress that was lent to me for the first time ever and yeah, I’ve been lent fashion for the first time ever.

Simon

Did you get asked, “Who are you wearing?”?

JULIETTE

I didn’t, I was totally prepared though as well. But anyway, I looked fabulous I was told, but it’s not all about appearances, our value is much more…

simon

Are you body confident?

JULIeTTE

It’s the first time I haven’t worn a bra in ages because I used to be very, very big as you know, Simon, I used to be size 20 and I used to be a size four as well due to eating disorders and my boobs, they don’t stay up without scaffolding around them and this was the first time that I decided well, do you know what, in the spirit of the awards I’m going to wear the sparkliest dress, it’s going to be backless and I’m going to let my boobs sag and that’s fine. And they looked all right.

simon

Tanyalee, body image, anxiety, you’re constantly on stage, you constantly refer to your body?

TANYALEE

Well, when it comes to body image and stuff like that I just, you know, I’m okay with it, one of my things is everybody can be sexy, you’ve just got to work with what you’ve got...

JULIETTE

Hell yeah.

TANYALEE

And pull it out, whip it up, buff it, spray paint it orange.

simon

Is that part of your new show?

TANYALEE

Many Geordies do.

steve

You’ve been to Newcastle, yeah.

TANYALEE

Yeah. Scouse and Geordie.

steve

Okay so Simon, what about you, what’s your moment of the month?

simon

You see I’ve got lots of little bits and I don’t know how many we’ll get through in the time. I just this morning had a hearing test, this is my second follow up because I know it’s getting progressively worse.

TANYALEE

What?

simon

Ah! Very good, thanks to all our deaf listeners, they’ll love that gag. The bit, and again it’s back to when I’m doing public speaking, people speak and I don’t know where it’s come from and then I don’t really hear it. So I had the proper full hour today and it is proper and I’m sort of mild to moderate I think or maybe even a bit more than moderate. I suppose the point of it was he said, “Okay, we’ve got to talk about hearing aids and the different types,” and I went to Boots which is the chemist, the big sort of chain in the UK and they vary. I mean there’s some pretty fancy pants designs and they vary from about £1,000 the ones I was looking at up to about £3,000. And then he put them in and then he stood behind me and he started talking and he did the whole spiel and it was remarkable, everything was coming through. All it does is amplify, it doesn’t kind of find something new, it just amplifies it. And then he said, “You know, you’ve had 47 years of losing your hearing,” and I went, “I heard that, it’s 46 actually,” which was a moment of laughter, so yes I’ve just got to make a decision and speak to my bank manager.

steve

Is that per ear, three grand?

simon

No it’s for the set, for a pair.

steve

Okay, because I remember Steve saying, because he’s got some very expensive ones hasn’t he?

simon

Yes, and his are like £4,000.

JULIETTE

Oh no!

steve

I thought they were each as well.

simon

I think he does that for comedic effect.

steve

Oh is it, okay.

simon

Steve Day has bright red ones and I always think he does that to really tell people, if you see that you’re like okay there’s… The guy said to me you can have this sort of sandy beige colour which is more skin colour or he said if you want hair colour there’s these grey ones. I thought you’re not really selling it to me buddy. Unbelievable.

JULIETTE

But it’s a fashion accessory, like you’re wearing glasses right now and they’re very fetching glasses as well, but yeah, make it a fashion accessory, just be proud and confident with it and go for it.

simon

Yeah, that’s back to the body confidence bit. You know what, it’s me using the scooter because I’ve got to use them and when I use them it’ll be great but there’s just that little psychological leap where you’ve got to go okay, this isn’t working like it used to, I’ve got to start using this now. And that’s a little bit, I’ve just got to get my head round it as well as the cost.

steve

So it’s an age thing when you’re 47, 46 sorry.

simon

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

steve

But do you think it’s because of that you’re feeling that if you’re getting older you’re losing your hearing or…?

simon

No, no, no it’s because now I will be telling people. I mean everyone knows I’m losing my hearing, if I’m in a public place because I keep saying, “What?” whereas now there’ll be a little signal, although it is just a tiny little clear plastic pipe.

steve

I thought you just lost your hearing when it was your round, isn’t it?

steve

There’s a little bit of a reality check, the guy, and he wasn’t sales pitching me, but he did say as you get older and if you are a lot older and then start losing, your brain has stopped computing all this audible information, so he said as soon as you start using them it will keep your brain used to trying to translate whatever those signals are coming in. And he said even if you’re a lot older and you start using it he said sometimes people won’t really hear because they’ve lost that ability. So it’s going to get harder and harder, that’s the bit. And everyone knows, that’s the bit isn’t it?

TANYALee

You see that’s the difference, I mean my hair is slightly longer than yours so like it would get hidden so I wouldn’t be so concerned about that.

simon

I’m growing mine again just so I can get old men to cross the road with me and I’ll hear them creeping up behind me. I need super hearing aids, “All right love?” Steve Best, moment of the month.

steve

I went to see some Shakespeare.

simon

Oh name drop, culture.

steve

Shakespeare at the Globe which is in London.

JULIETTE

Oh I love the Globe.

steve

Yeah it’s great. I haven’t been there for a while but I took my daughter who’s eight and it was the ‘Comedy of Errors’ which is…

JULIETte

Oh I love it.

steve

I hadn’t read it before to be honest, but it’s so funny, it’s really a fantastic play, but when we were watching because at the beginning you don’t know what’s kind of really going on and for an eight year old she got quite bored and then about 20 minutes into it she loved it. But there was a signer, an interpreter there, and she was standing on the stage, we were at the side, and there was a deaf person next to me on the left, so she was seeing the back of the signer so she couldn’t understand what was going on.

simon

Did you interpret for her?

steve

I tried interpreting for her, yeah, because I understood Shakespeare now. But in the interval I think they had a word and they moved with someone in an obviously more expensive seat, so I don’t know what was going on there when she booked it.

simon

It doesn’t make sense to me because normally if you tell the theatre that you’re deaf or if you say you’re going to use an interpreter they have certain seats placed in front of the interpreter, so do you think she didn’t tell them?

steve

Or maybe that was the only one that was being interpreted and that’s all she could go to and that’s all the seats that were left. I’m not too sure, it was a bit strange I must admit because you just saw the back of her head. She had a tattoo on her neck.

simon

And what’s the comedy out on this one?

steve

There’s no comedy out on it.

simon

Oh okay, nice.

steve

The comedy bit is that no one understood the play, yeah.

Simon

That was the comedy of errors, yeah.

steve

The comedy of errors, yes.

simon

And the centre of the Globe Theatre is where you all stand isn’t it? It’s a standing bit.

JULIETTE

Yeah.

TANYAlee

Oh?

simon

Disabled people, wheelchair users, brilliant. We’re the only ones that can sit down, all these other muppets have to stand up. Have you got anything else for us?

steve

Well the other one was your house. You’ve been to Simon’s place?

TANYAlee

Yes.

steve

And you’ve kind of modified your apartment to…

simon

Yeah, I just want to clarify that though because it’s not… If you went in there and you didn’t know I was short would you, besides the eye hole…?

TANYalee

Step stool.

simon

I have two peep holes, is that right?

TANYALEE

Oh!

simon

One’s to my neighbour, they don’t know about that, and the other one’s in my front door.

TANYAlee

If you have a peak hole as a little person and when they come to the front door and you peep through the hole and you’re just looking at somebody’s crutch.

simon

No, I thought that and I did wonder that and it enlarges it as well, it’s a horrible, horrible sight. No, they’re really clever, they’re fish eyes aren’t they so it’s really wide and you can go quite high.

TANYAlee

Oh okay.

steve

No, you wouldn’t know, except your bed, not that I’ve slept in it because I couldn’t because that’s shorter as well isn’t it, so if you came into your apartment…

simon

Yes, that was a very conscious choice. This is really going somewhere isn’t it? Several years ago in my previous flat I had a really tiny bedroom and I thought well I don’t need a big bed as in an average sized bed, so I got a bed made for me which was four foot six long as well as whatever the width would be. But I do remember at that point thinking this is really going to limit my opportunities if ever I want to go out with someone who’s average size.

JULIETTE

Yeah, I was just thinking, what happens when you get lucky?

TANYALee

She’s going to sleep diagonally.

simon

Yeah, I’d say do you like scrunching up? Do you like scrunching up? Yeah.

steve

So you’ve got a tap as well, you’ve got a mixer tap so when it’s off cold you can’t actually reach it, so you keep it kind of three quarters of the way, when it’s off… Am I not explaining this very well?

JULIEtte

No, I understand.

simon

When you push it to cold it’s right by the wall so therefore I can’t reach it.

steve

Yeah, but I didn’t know that, and you had a go at me for leaving it like that and you said your parents do that and everybody else does that.

simon

Yeah, everyone who visits does that, but yeah, maybe I’m being a bit harsh, I should have laughed like the crayon restaurant guy. But it wasn’t that bad but it was just one of those…

TANYAlee

But it’s your own house!

simon

Yeah, and I’m like but it’s so obvious if you put it… I mean my parents will wash up and dry up and then they’ll put all of it in the top cupboards as if I would constantly put things in the cupboards where I can’t reach it and obviously have to constantly climb. It was just a little thought process but then yeah, the fact that we’ve known each other 30 years there’s no reason why you should consider…

steve

That means you’ll never have cold water, completely cold water, because it’ll always be three quarters.

JULIETTE

I think yeah, that’s the best of everything because I hate freezing cold water on my hands.

simon

I have a water jug filter so I fill it up with lukewarm water which I can reach and then put it in the fridge. Tanyalee?

TANYALEE

Well, just along the same lines about that…

simon

Yeah come on, solidarity.

TANYALEE

I was staying in Sheffield this weekend, I stay in a hotel a lot of times, I spend a lot of time in hotels, and I put the do not disturb sign on and typically it’s like I go into my hotel room, I make it all dwarf accessible, move stuff around, get them to lower the shower head. In this particular case I took the chair, that they had this really weird like a desk type chair on wheels in front of the desk but I rolled it over to the other side on the other side of the bed and the bed was at a weird angle and I had to like push it between the bed and the desk and get it off to the side and obviously I’ve got the towels down low and basically yanked the sheets and the duvet from being tucked in too tight. The next morning, I mean I had the do not disturb sign on and I had to go out and do something the next morning and I come back in and I notice the sign’s not on the door and I go in and the room’s completely made again and the chair’s there and the thing, and I was just like are you frigging kidding me? Like it took me 15 minutes to put everything back and I was so pissed off, I was just like okay, obviously if I put the chair on the other side of the room you’ve got to know that there’s somebody in a wheelchair in here if everything’s down low and there’s pictures of me, my DVDs sitting out and there’s sticks and I’ve got my…

steve

Had you sawn of a quarter of the bed as well to make the bed smaller?

TANYALEE

Yes. Oh it’s just infuriating.

simon

It’s exhausting. So you put the do not disturb sign on, not because you’re sleeping but to make sure they don’t make up your room?

TANYALEE

Yeah.

simon

But I think there is a routine that whoever’s cleaning the rooms, they have their six things that they do and they just go boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

TANYALEE

Yeah. I was in France two weeks ago…

simon

Oh, bonjour.

TANYALEE

And… oh oui, oui, and I was with my mate who is French speaking and English speaking and we went up to the EasyJet… Am I allowed to say EasyJet?

steve

Oh there’s another aeroplane every week, Laurence Clark’s going to write into us isn’t he?

simon

We always have an air story.

TANYALEE

Up to the counter and Emmeline and I were speaking in English so I zipped in and I got in way before check in time cut off and they already knew, I had called ahead about the scooter and situation. So the woman sort of started to panic, I went to the special services counter and she panicked a little bit and then she was like “I’ve got to go find the paperwork” and she took forever, and this was after me having to wait for her to sort out some people that were clearly non-disabled. Anyway, then she gets on the phone, I say, “Let me take the paperwork, I’ll just check off the stuff because I’ve already been through this,” duh, duh, so she rings whoever she needs to talk to about my mobility scooter and of course I don’t know what’s going on at this point, my friend Emmeline tells me this a little later after we leave, apparently she says on the phone in French that A, I was late, which we weren’t and B, she doesn’t like dealing with these type of people.

JULIETte

Oh!

steve

Oh, that is…

simon

Are you a Canadian?

TANYALEE

Yes and ginger. A ginger Canadian dwarf, the worst. And Emmeline of course didn’t say anything at first and then the lady was trying to explain to me about where to go with the mobility scooter and she was kind of trying to find her English words and Emmeline said, “No, no, you can speak in French because I understand what you’re saying.” And the woman’s eyes just went like…

steve

Nice.

TANYALEE

Yeah, so I started tweeting to EasyJet and they were like we need to follow up on this. I’m like, oh yeah you do.

steve

They got you on and everything?

TANYALEE

Oh yeah, there was no problem, I mean it wasn’t funny at the time because she was being quite rude about it and yeah, EasyJet was like oh we’ll follow up.

simon

And presumably while you were waiting they didn’t even consider kind of colouring book and crayons to keep you occupied? Nothing, nothing at all. That’s poor customer service isn’t it? Thank you everybody for your moments of the month. We’re going to have a little break and then we’re going to look at our product reviews.

 

[playing music]

steve

So Tanyalee and Juliette, you were both given an item and we’ve asked you here to talk about it. So first up is Juliette. It’s a self-stirring mug that’s what it is and I’ll give you the proper description after you’ve told me what you think about it.

JULIETTE

Okay. So shall I describe what it’s like?

steve

Yes.

JULIETTE

Okay, so the self-stirring mug which I have neglected to bring in today because I’m on top of my game, no just because I was travelling around and train delays and stuff, but… blaming the train delays for everything, it’s a plastic, I think it’s made of plastic, grey mug, it’s recognisable as a mug, it’s got a kind of hole in the bottom and then there’s this other part to it which I had to put batteries in, I actually opened the instruction leaflet and read it which I never normally do, put the batteries in and then you twist the battery base into the bottom of this hole at the bottom of the mug. And therefore this little propeller pokes through the bottom of the mug and then yeah, you put your teabag in or your soup or whatever it is, put your teabag in and then put your water in then you put your milk in and instead of stirring with a spoon because that’s a lot of effort and causes so much washing up you press a little button the base where the batteries are, the propeller whizzes round at the bottom and it kind of creates a whirlpool.

steve

And it stirs fine and…

JULIETTE

Yeah.

simon

Did it chew up the teabag?

JULIETTE

No, I took the teabag out. I did actually take the teabag out.

steve

But that’s an interesting point though isn’t it, because I mean here’s a description, a self-stirring mug, great for soup or hot chocolate or coffee, it’s battery operated and power stirs your beverage to avoid any residue as you finish the drink. And it says it’s great for anyone with limited dexterity. So that’s who it’s for really, so the teabag is an issue isn’t it?

simon

Well they don’t talk about tea do they? Hot chocolate, soup…

steve

Ah, that’s clever.

JULIETTE

Ah!

steve

So coffee where you put granules.

simon

But you don’t stir it with a teabag you just take the teabag out.

steve

Yes, but if you’ve got…

simon

And then you need to stir in the milk and the sugar. That’s the stirring part.

steve

But then if you’ve got limited dexterity the whole point of that is you’ve got to use a spoon to take the teabag out.

JULIETTE

Yeah, good point, good point.

steve

Now you know what it is and you’ve had it and you’ve used it can you think of anything you would change about it?

JULIETTE

Yes.

steve

Oh okay.

JULIEtte

I for one, I thought it worked fabulously, it was fine, it looked ugly, it was just a grey lump of plastic and it could have just been a bit more, I don’t know, just a different colour, a brighter colour, a happier colour, I don’t know.

simon

We need to check because sometimes they send us one colour but there could be a whole range of them so we’ll have to check.

steve

But the idea of having a design on it would be quite nice as well, I don’t think they’d do that but that’s another thing.

simon

Maybe, yeah.

TANYALEE

Maybe stir it up.

JULIETTE

Maybe Steve and Simon’s faces would be great I think.

simon

We don’t actually produce these.

JULIETTE

Yeah, but I just think your faces on more things would be a good idea.

steve

Well there we go, she’s our PR person. You’re hired, you’re hired.

JULIETTE

Let’s get your faces out there.

simon

You have to butter up the hosts.

JULIETTE

Compliments, that’s another thing from the Be Real campaign is to compliment people. I also think it needs to be bigger because it didn’t actually hold a lot of liquids and especially if you’re going to have soup or you’re going to make anything. Look, forget about limited dexterity, if any of us are going to the bother of making anything we need to have a big receptacle so that we can really enjoy it.

steve

That’s the US style isn’t it?

TANYALEE

Mm-mm the bigger the better baby!

steve

Bucket style. And so I suppose it wasn’t useful for you because you wouldn’t need something like that?

JULIETTE

It was novel and it was nice. I do actually have already a self-stirring mug.

simon

Stop it!

steve

Get out of here!

JULIETTE

I know. It was given as a kind of joke present but I actually have to say that one is bigger, I can’t remember the name of the actual where it’s from or who made it but I don’t think it’s meant for people with limited dexterity, I think it was just a fun… I think it’s called Typhoon Mug.

simon

I must confess, I mean when I heard about the idea of a self-stirring mug and as you say I’m sure people with limited dexterity would benefit, I just thought this was such a cool idea…

JULIETTE

It’s funky.

simon

And I think it’s a great kind of idea to give someone as a present because it’s so different but you’re saying there’s at least two manufacturers now.

JULIETTE

Yeah. And the other one that we have already is a bigger, chunkier, and it’s got a bigger handle as well, this one was quite a dainty little handle. So I don’t know whether that would be, I don’t know many people with limited dexterity but I don’t know whether the handle itself needs to be considered.

simon

But that also goes back to if it’s a really big mug could someone carry it? I suppose if they’ve got two they can choose what suits them better, that’s the whole point.

JULIETTE

Interesting, yes. A starter size and a main course.

steve

You could wash your feet in it. Wouldn’t you? And it costs £14.99. Does that sound right?

TANYalee

Jesus.

JULIETTE

Yeah, I mean I wouldn’t want to pay that for a mug but I can see how it would cost that much.

steve

But you can, I mean you can get nice mugs for £14.99, proper mugs, I mean you would pay that for a mug.

JULIETTE

I was just laughing at how BBC that sounded, you know, I can see this point of view. I was an ex BBC broadcast journalist so…

simon

Good answer.

steve

Yeah, we’re trying to be…

JULIETTE

 Balanced.

simon

The thing is though if someone gave me that out of the blue and I’d never heard of it but there was not that moment of joy because you went oh I know what this is, I’ve got one.

steve

Yes.

JULIETTE

Also I think it may be more joyful if it were more pretty maybe.

simon

Okay, that’s the other bit.

JULIETTE

But that’s back to appearances again.

steve

And a quick rate out of ten. Juliette, out of ten?

JULIETTE

Out of ten, I’d say a solid seven.

steve

Good. Tanyalee? Just from the description.

TANYalee

I’m lazy, bring it on. Eight, nine, sure.

steve

Eight, nine. We’ll give it eight and a half from you. Simon?

simon

Yeah, just the principle of it, it just sounds cool to me so I’m up in the eights.

steve

Yeah, I’ll go seven I think with Juliette.

simon

Oh, modest.

steve

Yeah. So seven, something.

simon

So Tanyalee, you did a little recording of when you first were given this product so let’s have a listen to that now.

TANYALEE

So this is some sort of like… Oh gosh, it’s like a stick or it’s about the length of a pen maybe with all these kind of bulbous-y things along it, some sort of weird evil beads, except for when you turn it over and on one side it looks like it might have a whistle on one end but then it turns out it’s a clamp so I don’t know, you can pinch your own nose? Yeah, it looks like it’s the gold colour of a Christmas ornament but it’s very light plastic and I guess you clamp it on but maybe it’s to undo zippers or something.

simon

You were almost sort of lost for words for the first time in your life.

TANYALEE

I know.

simon

You’ve got it in your hand now, have you got anything to add? Are you still a bit bemused?

TANYALEE

Now I think it would be really good as like a roach clip if you were going to smoke weed or something because it’s got a little clip on the end.

simon

Because I’ve heard they get hot.

TANYALEE

Yes, apparently.

simon

So someone with limited dexterity could have a self-stirring mug and then…

TANYALEE

You clamp it on the end and then you can hold it. Yeah, it’s got the long handle, and there we go.

simon

Are you still moving to Colorado, is that in the plan?

TANYALEE

Or it’s a nipple clamp.

JULIETTE

I was thinking it looks like a sex toy.

TANYALEE

Oh well there you go. Well my first thing was an anal bead stick.

JULIETTE

There you go.

simon

So for those listeners who have got all sorts of things going on in their heads right now let me explain it to you. It’s actually called a Bracelet Buddy, it acts like the third hand that you need when you’re fastening a bracelet.

JULIETTE

Oh, I’ve always wanted one of them!

simon

Oh we’ve got the products the wrong way round this month. So yeah, so it should be able to hold it. Tanyalee…

TANYAlee

This is, yeah I don’t have a clue how you do this. Well okay first of all let me explain the fact that I’m a diastrophic dwarf which means my fingers are very short and they don’t bend very well so I have very limited dexterity so…

simon

Limited dexterity? That’s unbelievable.

TANYAlee

I know but it’s like I can’t, yeah…

simon

But the way I’m watching you now it’s almost like you haven’t… The bracelet you’ve got on you said is elasticated.

TANYAlee

Yes, so that’s why, yeah.

steve

But you’re trying to put the other one on without using the Bracelet Buddy.

TANYAlee

Okay, but I don’t even know…

simon

Have you ever put a bracelet on before yourself?

TANYALee

Well this is how I would do this without the stick, I would put this in my mouth probably and open it, because my issue is I can’t open that little doohickey thing.

JULIETTE

The claw?

simon

Just to let you know we’re on the radio, yeah.

TANYAlee

The little clasp thing, it’s hard for me to actually pop it open so if I was to get it open and then try to get it around my wrist at the same time, so that little buddy thing is not going to help me at all.

simon

I’m just wondering, so the next time you want to put a bracelet on just go outside the station and wait for someone to come along and they can put it on for you and thank you very much.

TANYALEE

Oh that might work, so yeah I could find a lot more uses for the Bracelet Buddy than bracelets.

simon

The original one.

TANYAlee

So it’s a roach buddy.

simon

I’m going to come back to you but as Juliette was so excited shall we pass it over and see if Juliette can actually…? Juliette’s beside herself.

TANYALee

She’s got dexterity but maybe still needs help with the clasp.

JULIEtte

Well it’s something that every woman I know struggles with is putting these on, and I’m double jointed so when it comes to dexterity I can bend backwards.

TANYALEE

Oh look at you!

JULIEtte

I know, I’m bending my fingers backwards.

simon

Oh! Thanks for that.

TANYALEE

You see, you’re the complete opposite, I can only do that and I can’t bend at all expect for one knuckle and you can bend yours all the way back.

JULIETTE

You can get arthritis as an early age and I haven’t done that. Right, we’re going to give this a go, I’m going to do this, I don’t know how.

steve

So talk us through it.

simon

No, I think it’s…

JULIETTE

I’m trying to…

simon

No, but I think Juliette, you’re using your spare hand, I would use that, I’d put the clasp in your fixed hand to hold the clasp in place.

JULIETTE

So you’re saying do it one handed or are you saying…? Right, got you.

simon

If the clasp holds it in place then you’ve got your free hand to…

JULIETTE

Oh, like that?

steve

Yes.

simon

You see I’m itching to help you but that’s sort of interfering, that defeats the whole point doesn’t it?

JULIETTE

Oh, oh, oh, this is amazing! And we’re not using it as a sex toy.

simon

That’s the big tip, yeah.

JULIETTE

Oh hang on, no I’m still struggling.

simon

Oh okay, so it’s holding the chain and then you just do the clasp.

JULIETTE

I’m holding the chain.

steve

Because you’ve got to do the clasp with your…

simon

This is magic isn’t it, this is magic broadcasting.

JULIETTE

I’m trying, I’m nearly getting the clasp into the ring. It’s there, it’s there, we’ve got clasp, ring, clasp, ring, holdage.

TANYALEE

Yay, we’ve got contact.

JULIETTE

Well done.

simon

The Bracelet Buddy is used in the hand which you’re putting the bracelet on to hold it in place and then your free hand… And Tanyalee is just fascinated by the whole bracelet putting on thing.

TANYALEE

Yeah, well I’m just in admiration.

simon

If we’d given you the self-stir mug we’d have got some really happy bunnies.

TANYALEE

But I’m still going back to if I could use if for many other things.

JULIETTE

It’s very pretty.

simon

Well no one’s stopping you Tanyalee.

TANYAlee

It still looks like a nice little pipe.

simon

So either of you, if we were to tweak it, to change it, any improvements?

TANYAlee

Don’t give it to me!

simon

Okay, that’s fine.

TANYALEE

But apparently it works because…

steve

But the colour is quite…

JULIETTE

It’s very brash gold, the Christmas ornament mentioned thing, that’s quite…

steve

It’s very plastic-y as well but I don’t know if that’s because it’s lighter and it’s easier to use.

JULIETTE

Does it need to be so glamourous? I mean don’t get me wrong, I love glamour but is there a purpose for the glamour?

simon

So ironically you want this to be in grey where you want the mug to be gold.

steve

It’s a bit back to front this month.

simon

So not terribly useful for you, Tanyalee, however Juliette?

JULIETTE

I’m a little bit in love with it, I think it’s on my Christmas list.

simon

That’s fantastic, we love that when that happens. If you were to buy it it would cost you £7.00.

JULIETTE

Christmas list.

simon

If we were going to rate it, Tanyalee, you were first up with it. Out of ten?

TANYAlee

I like the fact that it’s bright and it’s got a little clasp, like the little roach part.

simon

You can rate it for whatever you’re going to use it for.

TANYAlee

Okay, oh well. I’ll give it a four.

simon

Four?

TANYAlee

Yeah.

simon

You’re not going to use it that much, okay. Juliette?

JULIEtte

I would give it a nine.

simon

Wow. Steve Best.

steve

Well if Juliette’s saying it’s good you’d have to go with what it’s made for so you’d have to give it a good score if it works for people. Simon?

simon

Oh, because I just like the self-stirring mug a bit more I’m going to give it six I think, although I do appreciate it’s…

steve

You could actually stir with this couldn’t you?

simon

Oh, you see.

TANYALEE

And then you get gold flakes and…

JULIETTE

Glamorous tea and glamorous soup.

simon

Okay.

TANYALEE

And you could clip your teabag on the end of it and stir the teabag.

steve

Well I haven’t really added up these scores very well but Tanyalee giving it four has made I think the self-stirring mug win, although there is no real winner is there? We’re all winners.

simon

Yeah, I have confidence, yeah.

TANYALEE

Oh, it’s a beautiful thing.

simon

Thank you to our guests, Juliette and Tanyalee for reviewing that, we are going to have a very, very tiny break and probably Tanyalee can share with us what she can actually really do with that in the break.

 

[playing music]

simon

That’s impressive, Tanyalee, I would never have dreamed of doing that, but okay.

TANYALEE

Get it out, get it out, pull it out!

simon

What are you up to? Where can people see you or find out about you?

TANYALEE

Well if you want my schedule it’s at Tanyaleedavis T-A-N-Y-A-L-E-E-D-A-V-I-S-.com and in November I’ll be through North America, I’m in Florida for a couple of weeks, and then I’m back in the UK in December for a couple of weeks for Christmas shows, just yeah, basically all over doing stand-up comedy shows.

simon

Busy stuff, and they can find out on your website?

TANYALEE

Yes.

simon

Lovely, than you. Juliette?

JULIEtte

If anyone wants to find out about me they can go onto Juliette, J-U-L-I-E-T-T-E Burton, B-U-R-TO-N.co.UK and yes, there’s a list of performances on there or they can join me on Twitter @julietteburton and yeah, in November, December I’ll be around the UK performing lots and next year I’ve also got some dates lined up for the Brighton Fringe, for the Edinburgh Fringe already, and all kinds of random places that I’m going to be performing, up in Scotland as well. And yeah, just definitely sign up for my newsletter as well because that’s the place people can get to know the most about me.

simon

You’re very good because you do send them out and write them.

JULIETTE

You’re on my mailing list aren’t you?

simon

I am on your mailing list.

JULIETTE

I put you on my mailing list.

simon

Yes, I remember thinking how did I… No I didn’t, I thought how lucky am I?

steve

Do you blog as well or is it like that’s the newsletter is your blog?

JULIETTE

I do have a little blog which to be honest a lot of the time it’s just taken from my Facebook professional page, I’m just putting that into my blog, but my blog’s on my website and people can sign up to my newsletter and the newsletter you get to see all kinds of behind the scenes pictures and things from me running around performing and that’s quite entertaining, at least my mum thinks so.

steve

That is marvellous. Thank you very much both of you, Tanyalee Davis and Juliette Burton. Thank you very much.

JULIETTE

Thank you.

TANYALEE

Thanks guys.

 

[playing music]

simon

Now, competition time.

steve

We’re going to offer each of today’s items as its own prize, so to win you need to drop us an email or text message and we’ll put all the entries into a hat and draw out a winner. Please state if you’d rather have the self-stirring mug or the Bracelet Buddy.

simon

So we’ve tweaked the competition now, you don’t actually have to say why you want it, just drop us a line and you’ll go in the hat and you could be lucky, but do tell us which one you want. All of that is on our website, abnormallyfunnypeople.com or you can leave us a voicemail or send us a text on our telephone number which is 07756 190561.

steve

Unfortunately at this point we can only send the prizes to people in the UK and the closing date for this month’s competition is Sunday 16th November.

simon

A transcript of this podcast will be up on our website too.

Steve

Thank you as always to Really Useful Stuff who supplied the items, you can check out what they do via their website reallyusefulstuff.co.

Simon

Thank you to our guests again, Tanyalee and Juliette and also to our fantastic producer, Anne.

steve

And thank you all for listening.

 

[playing music]

 

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