Transcript of #7

Abnormally Funny People December Podcast

 

Presented by Simon Minty and Steve Best

 

 

intro

Welcome to the Abnormally Funny People Show, sponsored by Barclays. For further information please visit abnormallyfunnypeople.com. We hope you enjoy the show.

simon

Hello, and welcome to this very special edition of the Abnormally Funny People Show. This was recorded live with a big audience. It’s a little bit edgy, we hope you’re going to enjoy it.

steve

You might hear a little bit of swearing in there but it’s great fun, have fun, enjoy.

[playing music]

steve

So hello, welcome to the Abnormally Funny People podcast. I’m Steve Best.

simon

Hello, and I’m Simon Minty. This is a very special show, we’re recording it live at the O2. A big welcome to our live audience.

[cheering]

steve

Wow! So this is the O2, but not where they have the big gigs, the concerts with 20,000 people.

simon

You didn’t need to say that, but I think our audience make the sound of 20,000 people. So thank you so much for that.

steve

Let’s try that again. 20,000 people.

[cheering]

steve

That’s a lovely audience, thanks. For listeners, we’re at the All Bar One at the O2 with a live audience invited by our sponsors, Barclays Bank. This is the place actually that Monty Python launched their live shows this year, I don’t know if you know that?

simon

I did know that and I think we’re going to follow in their footsteps. Our show is really something completely different. We have our three guests, we’re going to hear from them at various points along the show, and we’re going to have a little bit of actual stand up as well.

steve

And we’ve got our Moment of the Month and we’re going to review some products. So the guests on this month’s show.

simon

On my immediate left, Paul Carter. Paul is a TV and radio producer and presenter, as well as a journalist. He’s the founding director of Little Man Media and, well he’s not the founder of Luton Town Football Club, he’s a fan of Luton Town Football Club. He’s done some stand up comedy, welcome, Paul.

paul

Thank you.

steve

Next up is Tanyalee Davis. Tanyalee Davis is a three foot six inch stand up comedian who enlightens and entertains her audiences while headlining at comedy clubs around the world. That’s on the website. Next we have Chris McCausland. Chris is the only professional comedian in the UK and probably even in the world who is blind. He’s been performing stand up for over ten years and firmly established at the very top of the UK’s live comedy circuit. He’s a regular at the Comedy Store in London Town. Chris McCausland.

simon

And at the very end of the show, some of you were here last year, we have the return of the fantastic Lost Voice Guy who will be closing the show at the very end.

steve

So let’s get on with the show.

[Jingle: You can contact us by email, podcast@abnormallyfunnypeople.com]

simon

So we start with Moment of the Month. Paul, you’re first up, tell us your moment of the month.

paul

Well my moment of the month was I found myself at dinner a few weeks ago with six other people with short arms like me which is quite a novel experience, I don’t think I’ve ever been in a room with six other people with short arms before, let alone sitting in a formal dinner situation. And it’s a bit weird, when you have arms like mine and you’re trying to eat food you have your own rules, you have your own way of doing things and I tell you what, it’s bloody weird watching other people do it, it’s really, really bloody weird.

Like I have certain things, like if I’m eating peas you always have mashed potato with peas, right, because the mash acts as glue. And I know there’s things you learn and there are certain foods that you don’t ever eat when you’re out in public. Soup, no. Just don’t even try it. Spaghetti Bolognaise, ah-ah, you’re going to end up with it all over your face. At home it’s absolutely fine, you know, shove your face in your plate, drown in your minestrone, whatever, but out in public it’s a bit different. But it was really weird watching all these other people.

simon

But did you learn stuff? I mean, hang on, that’s great technique, or they’re pretty poor?

paul

Someone ordered prawns, Simon.

simon

Oh was that with the mashed potato?

paul

No, but you know the prawns that you have to take the heads and the tails off?

simon

Well it’s just showing off.

paul

Well ordering food, that’s number one, anything you have to prepare with your hands is right out, generally. So I was like what on earth are they doing ordering prawns?

chris

I’m just mesmerised by the whole thing. Because I met Paul today for the first time and I turned up and I put my hand out to shake his hand and he just whacked his stump in there. And so I didn’t know…

paul

We shook hands afterwards as well, don’t worry!

chris

So I’ve had a feel of what he’s working with and I’m… I understand, like Tanyalee and Simon I get how they do things, they just do things at a lower height and in fact the first time I met Simon I was told that Simon had a disability, they didn’t tell me he was a dwarf, I assumed for the whole first day that he was in a wheelchair. And so every time he went past me I’d just give him like four feet of gap to get past me and he was thinking how fat does this prick think I am? But with Paul, everyone else in the room, if you’re sat with him and he’s eating in front of you you can slyly just have a watch, I just have to ask him everything he’s doing, I’m like, are you using a fork? How are you picking that burger up? How do you wipe your arse?

simon

When we said we’re going into places that’s what we mean.

steve

I know when we set our stall out earlier…

simon

Yes, but why were you having dinner with six people with short arms?

tanyalee

Why wasn’t I invited?

paul

It was a thalidomide… I’m not thalidomide, I’m not that old, but I was with a group of thalidomide survivors.

chris

You’ve got the wrong type of little arms.

tANYAlee

Yeah, I’ve had a couple of stumps in my day but…

simon

Thank you very much, Paul. Tanyalee, your moment of the month.

TanYaLEE

Okay so this happened last weekend. I just flew from America today so I’m very exhausted, last weekend we had American Thanksgiving and Black Friday which is the big shopping day and of course it’s all festive and there was Christmas music and stuff like that. And really I don’t do shopping very well at this time of year, but my boyfriend and I wanted to go out and I was having a bad hair day so I just chucked like a Santa hat on and when we go to Walmart/Asda, I have a mobility scooter but my boyfriend, it’s just easier for him sometimes to just chuck me into a shopping trolley. I’ve got no shame, I don’t give a shit, and by the way I don’t sit in the little seat, my ass is far too big, I’m in the big part, I sit on my step stool. So he’s got me in the cart and I’m oblivious to people staring anyway and so we’re zipping around Walmart and people are staring and stuff like that and this one woman really took some keen interest and she kind of walked over and was like trying to figure out what’s going on here and my boyfriend without a beat went, “dwarf sale in aisle three.” She just went… Oh priceless, yeah.

simon

Did he sort of pull a little string in your back as well and you shout something?

steve

That’s great, Tanyalee. And Chris, moment of the month?

chris

Actually about three weeks ago I was in Waterloo Station and I’ve got a dog, a guide dog, which is all new to me, I’ve had him a year and a half, two years and he’s all right, he’s a good dog, he’s not the greatest of guide dogs though, he tends to take me wherever he thinks there’s half a sandwich or another dog’s arse really. But we were in this station so I tend to go to the information desk and I get them to show me over to the train to Surbiton which is where I live. And they normally send a member of staff over to escort you over.

And incidentally by the way, just on a side note, there’s a guy who works in Waterloo Station, this blew my mind, he’s an Irish man and he’s 76 years old and he still works there giving assistance to passengers and this is how some people can view things from a slightly different angle. He’s 76 and he’s worked there believe it or not for 56 years. He started at Waterloo Station in 1958. Now this blew my mind and I was telling someone about this about how amazing it was that he’s still there after 56 years, but their reaction was, “but he’s never been promoted?”

But on this occasion they sent over this lady, she was a big black woman. I know she was a big black woman, I’d say Nigerian, in that ballpark I’d say she was from, and it’s important for you to imagine the kind of strong African woman personality that went with this woman, she was a strong woman. I grabbed hold of her arm, she was quite a chunky lady and we went across the concourse with the dog and she was kind of barging people out of her way. And we got over to the train to Surbiton and the doors opened and I got in. It was a very, very busy train, Surbiton’s a kind of popular place, it’s the last place within Zone 6 that you can kind of get off really.

And so we got on the train and she tried to get everybody up to let me sit down with the dog and I said “no it’s fine, I’m happy standing, there’s more room for the dog here and I’m happier standing.” “No, no, no,” she said, “you must sit down, you must sit down.” I said, “no, no honestly, it’s better for the dog if I stand by the door, it’s a lot more room.” “No, no, no, you must sit down, people please get up!” And she was getting the people up. And I said, “no, please stay seated, I’m happy standing here with the dog, there’s more room.” And she wouldn’t have any of it, “no, no, no, you must do what I say,” she said.

And it’s not a racist accent, it’s a really terrible accent, she was from all over the place, and so she got the people up, I kind of admitted defeat and she got these people, it was like four or five people she cleared up to make space for me and the dog and she moved them all out of the way. I think he’s crying, he knows we’re talking about him. And she moved everybody out of the way on the train and I went and sat down. I was quite embarrassed by the whole thing with my head slightly bowed so I could hide behind the peak of my cap and as I sat down her parting words to me was, “next time, do not argue with me,” she said. And she turned round just as the doors beeped and shut and the train started moving. And she was stuck on the train to Surbiton. And it was the fast train to Surbiton which doesn’t have any intermediary stops and so she was stuck on the train and as she turned around somebody made the comment, “Well he was happy standing.”

simon

I’m guessing there was a queue left at Waterloo, like six other blind people all queuing up for assistance now and while she’s gone off to Surbiton they’re hanging around.

chris

No, I know she was trying to help me and I feel like a bit of an arsehole, but it was funny and sometimes you can help too much, that’s what I’m saying.

simon

Thank you very much, Chris. Now, Steve Best on my right is our token nondisabled person. We want to be inclusive, and so it’s always hard for Steve to come up with a sort of disability moment of the month, so do you have one?

steve

No. Well it’s actually my wife’s moment of the month, she’s a lecturer at UCL in linguistics and she had a conference in Budapest and she met someone who’d started up a theatre company for people with learning disabilities and she did this because her brother has a learning disability, it’s not specifically diagnosed. And in the theatre company there was someone who joined it who had Williams Syndrome which is defined by facial features that only Williams Syndrome people have and she realised from that that her brother actually has Williams Syndrome as well, just from the fact that… That was it, that’s not very interesting is it?

simon

It was hard to follow. What’s the moral though of that story?

steve

The moral is that if you want maybe something diagnosed don’t go to a doctor go a theatre company.

simon

The theatre. So this is the problem with having a token nondisabled person.

steve

We don’t want to be too PC here.

simon

Thank you Steve.

steve

What about Mr Minty? What about you?

simon

Can I have two or three? Quick ones.

steve

Two.

simon

I’m struggling but then I went to the Mega Quiz that Barclays sponsored last night. Did some of you go to that quiz? Oh well that lady, thank you. Barclays sponsored a Mega Quiz to raise money for the Business Disability Forum, I went and sat at a table and there’s lots of questions around disability. There’s one which was, it was a newspaper headline a bit like Have I Got News For You, and it said, ‘blind pub’ and then you had to put in the blank, blank, ‘call themselves the Optimists’. And we were thinking is it a quiz team or something like that, we were really struggling. They finally revealed it, it said, ‘blind pub darts team call themselves the Optimists.’ I really like that.

The other bit was just one of those lovely moments, one of the other rounds they put up pictures of famous or celebrity disabled people, and very un-politically correct and then you had to guess the impairment. And so what was it? Now there was a picture up there of Ade Adepitan, he’s the former Paralympian basketball player, he’s a wheelchair user, he presents a lot of TV programmes on Channel Four now. So on our table it was like we know he’s a wheelchair user but why, was there something else? And between us we thought was it polio? And we weren’t quite sure. But anyway, three minutes later they start announcing the answers, and they say and that’s the picture of Ade Adepitan, and he had polio. Our table went “Yay! High five!” We were cheering away, so it’s not often you cheer when you hear that someone’s got polio.

paul

Whoo hoo for polio.

simon

The other bit which is I was a bit surprised by this, there was a survey that was done and they asked the general public how many of you feel uncomfortable when you meet or you’re talking to a disabled person? And the answer turned out to be two thirds of the public said that they felt uncomfortable when they talked to a disabled person.

steve

I suppose the other third are disabled.

simon

Probably. I mean hang on, I was a bit surprised by that.

tanyalee

I was curious whether or not that was a survey done in the UK versus North America. Being somebody from Canada and America I think it would be lower numbers because I find that I don’t get the same reaction over here, people just lose their minds. I mean I talk for a living and people just oh god, oh god please don’t talk to me or they don’t want to talk to me.

simon

You see we’re a bit more stuffy, we’re a bit more reserved, we’re a bit more polite. Aren’t we just a bit more polite?

tanyalee

No.

simon

So at the end of the show by the way we’ve been asked to come out and mingle so we’re going to come and make two thirds of you feel pretty uncomfortable. We’re looking forward to that.

tanyalee

The doors have been locked. You’re staying in.

steve

Okay we’re going to change the gear a little bit and we’re going to introduce the first stand up of the night. Put your hands together, ladies and gentlemen, for the wonderful Mr Chris McCausland everybody.

[applause]

chris

I’m from Liverpool originally but I’ve lived in London for nearly 20 years just doing my little bit to bring down the property prices. And I’ve been told maybe eight or ten minutes they said here, they’re going to use two minutes of it for the actual recording of the podcast which means six or eight minutes I can say what I want really and it doesn’t need to be that squeaky clean, so we’ll crack on.

I live in southwest London with my wife and the dog which you’ve heard tonight. It’s good, I like having a dog. In some ways, between you and me having a dog, a little bit better than having a wife. I mean I don’t have sex with the dog, so that’s the same.

simon

I’m saying nothing.

chris

I can hear your little comments.

steve

That’s him he said.

chris

She’s from Rio, my wife, in Brazil and she’s lived over here most of her life, she speaks English more betterly than me does. She wanted me to go to Rio with her last Christmas to see where she grew up but I found out that Rio at Christmas, that’s their summer, that’s a Brazilian summer, so I said to her, “how hot will it be in Rio at Christmas?” and she told me, like it was the most natural thing on the face of the planet, like she’s telling me the time, she said, “it’ll be like 45 degrees.” I said, “piss off, that’s like gas mark 5. There’s only one thing should be gas mark five at Christmas and that’s the turkey, do I look like a bloody turkey?”

Anyway we compromised and I went. That’s how it works, that’s how it works. It’s 12 hours, 6,000 miles to Rio, it’s a long way, I’m not a good flier, you know, I’m not comfortable up there. I’m not good in the heat when I get to places either, I go red and bits of me drop off, I wasn’t looking forward to it. And we landed, it was 35 degrees, I’m not going to exaggerate, 35 degrees. I even said to my wife, I said, “it’s not as hot as I thought it was going to be, to be honest at little bit hotter than I’d like at home during the summer if I was given the choice, but sod it, I’m on holiday, you make an effort don’t you?” She said, “it’s midnight.” Guys, thank you.

[applause]

Simon

Thank you, a big hand for Chris McCausland,

[Jingle: contact us by telephone or text on 07756 190561]

simon

We’re going to kick the second half off with our absolutely awesome three foot six racy Canadian comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, give a warm and big hand for Tanyalee Davis.

[applause]

tanyalee

Hello. So good evening everybody. I know British people are very uptight. Yes I know, don’t feel sorry for me, I get it all the time. Oh look, she’s ginger. So I’m in a very male dominated business, this is my job, so being a chick is quite rare and obviously with my height I bring something new to the coffee table. Of course I’m going to talk about this. And people tend to get really uptight here in the UK and some people are physically uptight like oh god, we’re not sure if we should laugh, we might go to hell. Well you will.

I’m in the UK every other month and I do a lot of shopping when I’m over here and of course it’s the Christmas season, I get excited when I go shopping and I get a lot of my cute tops in this country, but I notice that the shops and stuff, you guys put all the cute tops on the upper racks. You put the trousers and the skirts lower down don’t you, you bastards. I found a better solution, started shopping at Primark. Yeah, you people throw that shit all over the floor, it makes my life so much easier. All right, thanks a lot you guys.

[applause]

steve

Tanyalee Davis everybody.

[Jingle: If you’re enjoying the show why not leave us a review? Log in on Audioboo or iTunes, rate the programme and leave us feedback.]

steve

So the products everybody, the products. We review products every month and this month is no exception. So Paul, you’re first up. We sent you a product a few days ago. What is it? What did you get? What did you think of it?

paul

It’s this.

simon

We’ll put it up on the screen for those of you at the back.

paul

It’s a water bottle with a hose. Oh sorry!

simon

I wouldn’t do that, you don’t know where it’s been Tanyalee.

paul

Well I’ve already been told it looks like something that you give enemas with earlier on. Not that I’d know. So it’s a water bottle with a very long hose and it’s got a valve on the end of it which you bite. And I think the aim is so people who are paralysed or who have limited dexterity can lie in bed and can drink from it without having to reach for a drink. It keeps falling over, it’s not very good. I’m just going to leave it on the table, I’m annoyed with it already. Yeah, so that’s what it is.

steve

It is, it’s a hydrant hydration system, supplied by Hydrate for Health. There’s a lot of Hs there.

paul

It’s not really a system, that’s a bit of a bold claim, it’s a water bottle with a hose in it. I think calling it a system is pushing it a little bit.

steve

I was going to ask you what you think of it.

paul

Oh I mean as a water bottle with a hose in it it’s one of the finest water bottles with a hose in it I’ve ever used, I mean it’s grand, thank you very much.

chris

I fail to see why it’s a disability thing though.

steve

Say again Chris?

chris

I fail to see why this is a disability thing to be honest with you.

simon

It’s the paralysis thing that might be part of it.

chris

But it’s just a benefit scam really isn’t it? The bottle with the hose in it sounds like something that would be suitable for anyone with a hangover when you wake up in bed and you just want to have a drink without moving your head.

paul

I mean one thing that I have found with it, is because the hose is so long is that it takes an enormous amount of sucking to actually… Oh, I’ve already knocked something over, I’m going to do it again.

steve

It costs £13.95 and we’re going to score it out of ten, we usually score out of ten, so you’re first up, Paul. Out of ten?

paul

I mean as bottles with hoses go it’s great. I’d give it a strong six.

steve

Tanyalee Davis?

tanyalee

Well, I’m thinking of it from my use, I’m kind of cheap when alcohol’s really expensive at the bars so I would have that filled up with vodka in my handbag and then you just take a sneaky peak from the hose.

steve

Run the hose up your sleeve.

tanyalee

There you go, yeah, and then you just, yeah I can make my own drinks at the bar, so on that note, eight.

steve

Chris McCausland?

chris

I haven’t seen it.

steve

He’s allowed one of them, he’s allowed one of those gags.

chris

I’d give it an eight.

tanyalee

Do you want to feel it?

steve

Simon Minty?

simon

I’m a seven.

steve

I’m a seven. Audience?

simon

Thumbs up, thumbs down? Thumbs up if you think it’s good. Okay, you’ve all made up your own of middle ones. Tanyalee, we sent you a product. Steve Best is a professional photographer, he decided to keep the stuff in the plastic bag, so on the photo you’ve just got a picture of plastic bags. You can’t really see it.

steve

Plastic bags are see through so you can see. He hasn’t let me forget this, he keeps emailing me, saying take it out of the bag.

simon

Tanyalee, you have it in your hand, what is it?

tanyalee

It looks like you could put it in something and ((sniffs)) do something like that. However, I have already researched this type of thing because I have a mobility scooter and this end of the gadget has three little pins in it which would plug in to where you charge your battery for your mobility scooter and this end has a USB port so you can charge your mobile. And yes, I’ve been wanting to get one of these and I’m nicking this, so there.

simon

All our products we get we offer as competition prizes after to the listeners.

tanyalee

Except this one.

simon

I think Tanyalee’s going to be entering this competition. I mean I have the same mobility scooter as Tanyalee, well not quite the same one.

tanyalee

Mine’s much better.

simon

Okay. However, this is awesome isn’t it?

tanyalee

Yeah. Well I was wondering, I mean is it illegal now if you’re on your mobility scooter and you’re driving and texting?

simon

Making calls?

tanyalee

Making calls. Yeah, that’s just another reason I refuse to get on the buses.

simon

Well what are they going to do, they’re not licensed so they can’t give us points or anything can they? We’ll be all right.

tanyalee

Drinking and driving.

chris

Do you remember back in 2005, we were at the Edinburgh Festival in 2005 and I remember Tanyalee gave me a lift home on her mobility scooter.

tanyalee

Over the cobbles.

chris

It must have been about four o'clock in the morning and I was on the back of her mobility scooter. It was raining…

tanyalee

With a hard on ((?)).

chris

We had a golfing umbrella over the top of us on this mobility scooter and to this day I can only imagine we must have looked like something off Mario Kart.

simon

Let me tell you the name, it’s called a FreeRider USB charger for wheelchairs and scooters. It enables you to charge your phone and all that. Here’s the moral dilemma, so you’re out, you’re a long way from home, you’ve got a little bit of juice left on your phone and you’ve got a little bit of battery left on your scooter, what would you do? Would you charge the phone, would you go for the…?

TANYAlee

There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be sexting so I would have to charge…Nothing slows me down from the sexting.

simon

I’d charge the phone, and then you’d just find a cab.

paul

Phone all the way.

simon

So I need to tell you it’s £70 plus VAT.

paul

£70?

tanyalee

That’s why I’m not paying for this, that’s why I’m taking this one.

simon

I wonder if it’s because it’s new. That’s quite expensive.

paul

£70?

TANYALEE

Yeah, I have found cheaper versions online just so you know.

simon

It’s plus VAT but we’re exempt from VAT being disabled people. Get in.

TANYAlee

Really?

paul

Only on disability products we should add, that’s not a loophole that we keep a secret. We don’t go in and have a little special handshake that gets us £20 off, we need to explain that, it’s only on disability products.

simon

Oh Paul, you’ve got so much to learn.

tanyalee

You do if you do it the way he does.

simon

Okay, so scores. Paul, what would you give? Oh no, Tanyalee?

tanyalee

Well I’m all about the ten, all about it.

simon

Ten? Paul?

paul

Well I was a ten till I learned it was 70 quid and now it’s a three.

simon

Oh dear, okay harsh. Chris?

chris

Yeah, it’s… Well. It doesn’t affect my life does it?

tanyalee

Do you want to feel it?

chris

Yeah.

tanyalee

Give it back.

chris

It’s… Oh God. It’s because there’s no pay phones left isn’t it really, so I’ll give it a three as well. Two and a half.

simon

Ah that’s harsh. Steve Best?

steve

Yeah, I can see… I’ll give it eight.

simon

I’m giving it nine, I want it to come down a bit in price, that’s all. Thank you, Tanyalee.

steve

So your turn, Chris. In actual fact we did ask everybody to give an initial recording when they got the thing through the post and Chris has given us a recording, the only one actually.

chris

Because I’m a mug.

steve

So we’ll listen to Chris’ initial reaction to when he got his product through the post.

chris

Hello it’s Chris here. I’ve got a box that’s been sent to me by the lovely Steve Best who wants me to record my reaction to opening it so let’s get cracking on as we open the box. Lots of paper and I don’t know what’s in it. ((speaking clock)) “It’s 1:14 pm”. Okay well I think that’s explained itself hasn’t it? It’s a talking alarm clock. Is this some kind of joke Steve? Let’s send a talking alarm clock to the bloke who’s got a one year old at home, let’s send an alarm clock to the guy who hasn’t slept past half past five in 15 months. Is this how you get your kicks Steve. I’m sure it’s a perfectly nice alarm clock but honestly Steve, just shove it up your…

steve

So Chris. What do you think now, really? “It’s 4:22”

TANYALEE

Oh it’s very accurate apparently.

chris

It’s a talking alarm clock, Steve.

TANYALEE

Nope.

steve

That’s it is it?

chris

It’s a talking alarm clock Steve. I mean I don’t really know what you want me to say about it, it’s a cube, it’s got a button on the top, it’s a talking alarm clock. I think the alarm clock might be the first thing they ever made talk that wasn’t a human. You can buy them in Argos, Steve. It tells you the time.

steve

I think you’ve got a point there. It looks nice though doesn’t it? I like the button and…

TANYALEE

It looks like one of those buttons off Family Fortunes.

steve

It is a big button.

simon

Is there not a problem also because it’s four am, you wake up and you don’t know, you want to know what time it is…

chris

Try and be quiet. “It’s 12:52”

simon

And your wife wakes up and goes well I don’t want to know that? Do you have to put earplugs in, I don’t know, ear phones or something?

chris

There is a volume control, but you’ve got to take the battery compartment off the back to get to it. It’s inside here and then you turn that down and so… “It’s 12:28 pm”

steve

You can’t hear it then.

chris

Well it’s not the fastest access is it? And I don’t know what this battery thing it’s got going on but they’re all welded together into one big block. So yeah, it’s a talking alarm clock, Steve.

steve

£21.95 Chris. Oh the audience reaction there. Plus VAT on that but you get exempt from that.

simon

Only for Paul.

paul

I was going to say, for me.

steve

So to score it out of ten Mr Chris?

chris

I will score it, I don’t know, whatever the last number if says is. “It’s 12:23 pm” Oh there you go.

simon

Was that three?

chris

Yeah. I gave it an opportunity to score itself and it picked three.

steve

Wait five minutes. Tanyalee?

tanyalee

Well I mean I wouldn’t necessarily need it but the chance to bash something over the head I’m always for it, so I don’t know, six. It would get on my nerves so I’d chuck it out of the window.

paul

Well I think that one looks better than one up there.

steve

That’s my photography that is, Paul.

paul

Sorry mate. On the basis of that photo I’d give it a strong seven then.

steve

Simon?

simon

Oh I’m in the middle, I’m going to give it a five.

steve

I would give it a high score but it is expensive and if you say you can get it cheaper elsewhere, I’m not sure. But I’d give it six.

chris

I think my score might be different now. “It’s 12:24 pm” Yes, it’s gone up.

simon

Just to clarify because this could become the winning product if I get the number wrong on this, what are you scoring it exactly? Did you say four?

chris

It’s four now. It’s not bad to be honest, I mean as an alarm clock goes it’s small, it’s square, it’s got a button on the top it’s nice, you know. It’s quite over-priced.

simon

I know the audience are on the edge of their seats. The winner, do you know what it is? It’s actually Paul’s hydrant hydrating…

tanyalee

Is it?

simon

Do you want a recount?

steve

I think it’s because Paul gave… you counted it down didn’t you?

simon

Tanyalee, your USB charger came in second and 28 points Chris for your, what was it again, a talking alarm clock?

chris

It was, yeah. “It’s 12:35 pm” I vote five now.

simon

Thank you very much. Just to give you a free rein do you have a personal gadget that is the one thing that you just use all the time and love and think everyone should know about? Paul?

paul

Mine’s an egg cracker.

simon

We reviewed on of them. What that?

paul

So I went through my entire life never being able to eat eggs or use eggs because I could never crack them because you break them on the side of a bowl and then you need thumbs as a fulcrum, that’s a good word, to pull them apart. I once tried using my nose, it all ended badly, I literally ended up with egg on my face.

simon

Hey!

paul

Cheap gag, always works.

chris

To be honest I thought the one thing you would have been doing with eggs is probably breaking them.

paul

You can’t make an omelette without any hands, there’s a mixed metaphor in there. But no, someone bought me this egg cracker thing for a birthday present and you put the egg in it, you close it up and you bang it on a hard surface, open it up and it keeps the shells in and pours the egg.

steve

We did, we had that on two months ago. You’re on the wrong show, Paul.

paul

Amazing bit of kit and it changed my life if it’s possible to say that about eggs. I was eating omelettes and cakes for weeks afterwards.

chris

It sounds good for everyone though doesn’t it really as a gadget?

simon

Yeah, although the reviewer we had was Laurence Clark and Laurence has got cerebral palsy and part of his cerebral palsy means involuntary movements, so he said it’s great, I can crack it but the egg’s going to go all round the kitchen. We got the wrong reviewer on that one. Tanyalee, your indispensable gadget?

tanyalee

I got very excited, I just got a selfie stick. Because you know when everybody’s taking selfies when you’ve got dwarf arms and you’re trying to take a selfie, a picture of yourself, I get a picture of my nose or just parts of my face and not the whole thing. So there’s a thing called a selfie stick which is telescopic, it has this little grip thing on the end of it, you put your mobile phone in the end of it, any size phone, and you turn the Bluetooth on and it Bluetooths to the stick, you telescope it to whatever length you want and basically you angle it, you can see yourself or the people round you, take video and you hit the button and oh, best thing ever.

simon

Like it. Chris?

chris

Mine’s really boring, it’s probably just my iPhone, everything goes through it now, I control… It’s amazing the amount of things like the telly and your TiVo box and just everything else.

simon

You can do your TiVo box on it?

chris

Yeah.

simon

I didn’t know that.

chris

So yeah, just my iPhone. You do feel like you’re, I was going to say you’re losing a limb but that’s a bit out of place isn’t it! But yeah, just the iPhone really.

steve

Has it got a talking alarm clock on it? Well we’ve kind of nearly finished the show now but we’re going to ask you before you go guys, what are you up to next so the audience can see you somewhere. Paul?

paul

I’m making a film for BBC One about bionic hands at the moment.

simon

Oh, that’s a good reaction.

steve

When might it be going out?

paul

In February.

simon

Tanyalee?

tanyalee

I’m in the country until 15th, I’m performing at Jongleurs Comedy Club in Birmingham next week, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday, and December 12th I am performing at the Liverpool Philharmonic with Jason Manford and Terry Alderton, yippee!

steve

Mr Chris McCausland?

chris

I suppose I did a thing which was on BBC One drama which was on in November and that’s on iPlayer until the middle of December. It’s called Moving On so people can watch that I suppose.

TANYalee

Way to sell that person.

simon

You’ve whipped them into a frenzy, I mean they’re really excited about that. Brilliant. Okay we have now got our final special guest. If you haven’t seen him before he’s an absolute treat, his name is Lost Voice Guy. A couple of other fabulous comedians, this is what they’re kind of saying about him. He’s probably the first stand up comedian to actually use a communication aid. Ross Noble who is awesome says he’s a very funny guy. Matt Lucas from Little Britain says he’s a wonderful comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, Lost Voice Guy.

 

[applause]

Lee

Hello ladies and gentlemen. Are you all very well?

audience

Yes!

Lee

Because I start, I realise I sound like the talking alarm clock. The time is 9:14 pm. I guess I’d better start by introducing myself because one or two or you are looking very confused. Believe it or not my name isn’t really Lost Voice Guy. My parents were never mean enough to do something like that, at least that’s what they told me to say whenever the nice lady from Social Services visited. In reality they kept me locked in the room upstairs to hide me from everyone else. The local people were a bit afraid of me. They only let me out on special occasions. In fact, Anne Frank had it pretty easy compared to me. Incidentally my diary is available to buy after the gig.

Anyway, my real name is Lee and it’s nice to meet you all. I got the nickname Lost Voice Guy while I was at school. It was a very cruel thing to call me I know. It really knocked my confidence and I hardly ever went out in the playground because of it. But the teachers insisted on calling me it. If only they could see me now. Of course they can’t because I went to school a long time ago and they are all dead.

I hate that we have so many politically correct words to describe disabled people now. When I went to school I honestly went to school with spastics in its name. They certainly knew how to make us feel good about ourselves. Now it’s all special needs. Special schools. Special Olympics. That is why it always alarms me when I hear about Special Forces going to war.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been Lost Voice Guy, I hope you have had fun laughing at a disabled man. Enjoy the rest of your night. Goodbye.

[applause]

simon

We’re a little bit over time. Thank you so much Lost Voice Guy. A little bit over time but we’ve got a couple of minutes. Now we’ve got a roving mic I’m hoping somewhere. There’s our roving mic. If you have a question you want to ask us this is your chance so any questions from the floor?

questioner

Can you give us a question that you get asked all the time? The most stupid.

chris

Does anybody want to know what the time is? “It’s 12:51 pm” It’s 12:51 pm.

paul

I had a man come up to me the other day in the street and I was waiting to cross the road and I was stood there and he went, “all right mate?” I was like, “hello”. And he went, “are you Type 1?” And I went, “I’m sorry, pardon?” “Are you Type 1?” I went, “er… sorry?” And he said, “Type 1 diabetic. Are you a Type 1 diabetic?” And I went, “no,” and he went, “all right, see you later” and walked off. And I don’t know what the right answer to that question was, but I’m dying to know.

QUESTIONER

We’re coming up to Christmas now. What would be your favourite Christmas present?

chris

A talking clock.

simon

Any of our panellists here?

tanyalee

My boyfriend’s been asking me to marry him now like four times and I keep saying no so now he’s beaten me into submission sort of thing so I’m kind of hoping for an engagement ring, but he’s broke so I’m not hopeful.

steve

Wow, so you’ve made it public now.

TANYalee

Yeah, well…

chris

You’re doing yourself out of a Christmas present there, surely you can get him to do that in February or March or something.

simon

Any Christmas present you’re after?

lee

Can I have a Geordie accent please?

steve

Okay, I think that’s it for tonight so if you could all thank the guests. I’ll say the names first and a big round of applause then. Chris McCausland, Tanyalee Davis, Paul Carter, Lost Voice Guy, Simon Minty.

simon

Steve Best.

steve

And me, yes.

[playing music]

steve

We hope you enjoyed that live recording of our show. We’re back in the studio now and we have our monthly competition where you can win all the products we talked about.

simon

We’re going to offer each of today’s items as its own prize, so to win you need to drop us an email or a text message and we’ll put all the entries into a hat and draw out a winner. Do state which product you’d rather have. The hydrant hydration system which Paul reviewed, the FreeRider USB charger which Tanyalee had or the talking cube clock which Chris liked.

steve

All the information is on our website, abnormallyfunnypeople.com or leave us a voicemail or send us a text on 07756 190561.

simon

Unfortunately at this point we can only send the prizes to people in the UK but thank you all our international listeners for listening. The closing date for this month’s competition is in the New Year, Monday 12th January.

steve

And the transcript of this podcast will be on our website too.

simon

Thank you as always to Really Useful Stuff who supplied the items and of course all the manufacturers who offer their products up for review. You can check out what they do via their website reallyusefulstuff.co.

steve

Thank you to our guests and of course our producer, Anne.

simon

And thank you to all of you for listening.

 

[playing music]

 

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